Hyperlexian

more anxiety

2011-10-24T13:48:00.005-06:00

you might remember that i mentioned my hair is falling out... well, all of my attempts at reducing stressors and becoming calmer have so far come to naught, pretty much. meditation, therapy, moving to my own room in the house to have my own space, exercise, massages***, eating properly, sleeping more... the results do not reflect the effort that has gone into overhauling my existence.

in the end... my hair is still falling out. on my head it has slowed down somewhat, but i do not have new hairs growing where the old ones fell out in spite of the Rogaine/minoxidil that a dermatologist prescribed. my head hair was very thick though, so it will still be a while before it is obvious to the naked eye from a distance.

but... on the rest of my body, i could see a reduction in my arm and leg hair from day to day over the last couple of weeks. this scared me shitless because it seems inevitable that my eyebrows and eyelashes will likely follow. not much i can do about it i guess, so i am trying to prevent further panic as it could exacerbate the issue.

i have had some difficulty getting an appropriate sleep medicine. i tried ativan (too addictive but i want to go back to it), zopiclone (caused depression), melatonin (allergic reaction), clonazepam (addictive), and valerian root (caused extreme depression). but at this point i don't know if extra sleep can even help.

i am attending a series of anxiety workshops, but it will take time to know if they are helping. i also have another new therapist who has worked with many people who have asperger's syndrome. so these things may eventually have some benefit.

it did occur to me one day that anxiety is essentially self-centred; it all happens within the confines of one's own head. i considered... what if i could flip outside my own head and get into someone else's? so i devised a technique where i force myself to imagine what other people are thinking. no matter what pops into my head, whether logical or sensible, i just let it flow. it turns out... while i am doing this and for a few minutes afterward, my anxiety evaporates. my shoulders relax, my mind clears, i feel less jittery and agitated. it does not last long and i cannot summon up the technique without an actual person in my eyeline, but.... it does work.

i believe this works for me because it is such an effort to understand things from anyone else's perspective that it is not second nature and requires significant mental resources. when those resources are tied up i just can't worry or get agitated (consciously or subconsciously) about my own problems. it's just trickery but the trickery is sort of effective. i hope that with time i will be able to better use this technique to actually undertsand other people better, but we'll see.

***NOTE: the massage therapist asked what i have DONE to myself to have such tension in my body. she thought i must have suffered some sort of major injury! i have muscular pain and feel bruised for about 3 days after each massage.

News from the Trenches

2011-08-17T07:23:00.005-06:00

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of stuff behind-the-scenes, in real life... I don't like to talk about those things in too much detail here as it may involve people who know each other and who might read my blog. Therefore some of it I am not comfortable posting here, but I can tell you about a few other things going on.

Husband and I are going to separate, slowly. It will be a gradual process over the next year, so that we can fully support our daughter in her final year of secondary (high) school, as well as pay off debts and save up money for her university education.

Next summer I might get a place of my own in my home city, or i could move to another city in Canada, or I might go overseas (i.e. to be a teacher in the United Kingdom). The last idea is my first choice.

The whole situation is quite amicable, and my psychologist suggested we should give divorce workshops LOL. We are best friends and genuinely want the best for each other. We have no reason to be angry and we don't see the advantage in trying to make each other suffer. In my opinion, most marriages break up for a mixture of reasons, so trying to pinpoint a "bad guy" doesn't work in most cases.

In other news I am continuing to lose weight very slowly. I have taken off 85lbs / 39kg, and I have lost 12 inches / 30 cm from both my waist and my hips. My BMI is down to 31 from 45 or 46.... In fact I have lost nearly a third of my mass. Further weight loss is not a priority as I am quite a lot healthier now, and physically I feel like I look fine. But if it happens further, I am content with that.

And there have been some big layoffs at my job with the Public Service Commission. So far I have been safe, but I will find out in a couple of weeks if I will have a job extension and for how long. My contract was also changed so that I have less job security, I am not accumulating pension credits, and I will not automatically roll over to a permanent/indefinite contract after 3 years as was contracted. These contract changes are in place until midsummer next year (if I am still employed here).

Anxiety and Hair Loss

2011-07-07T09:05:00.001-06:00

My hair is falling out again. This time, the doctor doesn't think it has anything to do with my beta blockers for high blood pressure, which have caused problems in the past.

The doctor ran all kinds of tests and they came back clear. I have a small ovarian cyst, but not significant enough to cause hair loss (<1.5 cm). So he thinks it is anxiety. Considering that I have recently been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, I would agree it is a possibility, and it is likely exacerbated by the recent trauma of my mother's suicide.

The doctor was mainly concerned that I am not sleeping, which is going to make everything much worse. He prescribed Ativan at night to help me sleep. I have gotten a prescription for Clonazepam before, but I didn't really take it consistently as I don't like the side effects.

The Ativan... is interesting... I am taking only half the prescribed dosage as it is making me very very tired in the daytime. It also makes me irritable throughout the day, though I do not know if that is from the Ativan itself, or the sensation it leaves behind as it is metabolised.

But I have had an unexpected positive effect from it. I noticed that when I took the medicine, I wasn't having little jerks and shocks in my brain and body anymore. So now, you're wondering what jerks and shocks I am talking about. Well... I didn't know about them either until they stopped.

Basically, every time someone talks to me, or a thought occurs to me, or I notice something on the television, or a car drives by, or the dog comes in the room, or an email pops up, or I see a piece of lint out of the corner of my eye, or the wind picks up, or... whatever... I feel a little shock in my brain and body. Almost like those sleep jerks, a.k.a hynagogic myoclonus, but milder. Sometimes my eyebrows or finger or foot will twitch too, but not always. And this happens ALL THE TIME.

I do not want to take these meds for very long as the side effects suck, they are addictive, and the effectiveness decreases with time, but it is definitely something I am going to discuss with my doctor as I do not want the shocks and jerks to come back. Maybe there is a medicine or a treatment that can help long-term.

One thing I am going to try is meditation of some kind. I am looking into the possibility of medical Qi Gong or somesuch, but I am still investigating whether that is available in my city. Also, I may need to look for a less stressful job. Since layoffs are coming, this is the most ideal time...

Official Diagnosis - Asperger Syndrome

2011-07-03T14:28:00.007-06:00

I finally went to a psychologist to get a full assessment done. I felt like maybe I was an imposter because I was calling myself an aspie even though I didn't have an official diagnosis.

The testing took a whole day, and consisted of a battery of tests, a two hour interview, observations, etc. It was very expensive, but the recent windfall of my share of my deceased mother's insurance money was very helpful in covering the cost. It felt fitting to use that particular money because my mother thought that it was a crock of shit that I could have Asperger Syndrome.

Anyway, the results detail that I meet the criteria for Asperger's Disorder, and also have some other challenges that come in the same package, like generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, phobias (batophobia and trypophobia), and additionally post-traumatic stress disorder.

However... I do NOT have Borderline Personality Disorder, which I had been summarily diagnosed with when I had a depressive episode at one point in 2009. That diagnosis had allowed me to enter group therapy and it got me some help that I really needed at the time, but really the doctor had just based it on the fact my mother had, at one time, been diagnosed with it herself (that was also later retracted). I did not really fully fit the criteria but it was simple and fast and i checked off some of the diagnostic boxes. I am happy to remove that diagnosis from my package of issues!

The psychologist recommended that I get some therapy for my past traumataic experiences and support for my anxiety. She also recommended that I work on training my memory as I scored in the superior range intellectually (97th percentile), but only average in memory tasks (working, short-term, and long-term memory). She noted that it must be a huge source of frustration for me that my memory fails me so I cannot properly utilise my intellect.

Well, overall I am extremely relieved. And I feel vindicated also.

My Deceased Mother's Birthday

2011-06-09T13:18:00.016-06:00

Do birthdays count after someone has died? I suppose birthdays are intended to mark the years while one is alive, but for the survivors, it seems like birthdays don't stop having very intense and deeply personal meaning.

Today is/was my mother's birthday, the first one since her suicide in December. I was going to try to just go on like any other day, but I found I couldn't really do that. So I decided to embrace my thoughts and let my feelings just flow.

What I feel... is an intense sadness my highly creative mother will never again create anything with her hands.

Some of my earliest memories were about the things she made for me, for our family, and for herself. She was not affectionate, nor was she particulary kind or patient at times, but she showed her love with her masterpieces. In her later years, when she became somewhat distant or estranged from her family, she crocheted blankets and donated them to charity.

Here are some of the beautiful things I remember:

The "Bug Quilt". She traditionally used scraps from old clothes in her patchwork quilts, or remnants from sewing projects.

My Christmas dress at age 4. My mom made a Christmas dress for me and my sisters most years until we reached adolescence. We loved gingham check.

This was her wall hanging called "Sisters". She grew up in a household of 3 sisters, and she had 3 daughters herself. This was her showpiece when she was selling her quilted items at craft shows. Her company name was Softwear by Sylvia.

My mother sold these puppy dog quilts at the craft fairs. The Scotty dogs are machine appliqued onto white fabric and it is hand tufted. I still have some of the pieces from one of these quilts. It was too tattered to keep whole so I cut out and saved some of the more memorable fabrics, and one of the puppies in each pose.

If I recall correctly, my mother crocheted this scarf for herself using a very fine hook. She hand-dyed it with coffee or tea.

I remember my mother tatting lace to keep her hands busy, especially after she quit smoking. A few years ago she started tatting again after a long absence, and this was one sample piece. I always meant to sew it onto something, but I didn't have anything that looked delicate enough.

My mother sewed me a beautiful flapper dress. I wore it to death, and in this picture I am about to enter in a contest to win a trip to New Orleans. I didn't win, and my mother was so disappointed that I didn't strut better or ham it up on the makeshift runway. But I was the first entrant, and I didn't think to do that until the other women went up.

My wedding dress. My mother also sewed a matching outfit for my daughter, 3 bridesmaids' dresses, and her own dress. She also cut my hair, constructed my bouquet, printed the invitations, and baked/decorated my cake (I helped with that part).

This sweater was one of the last things she made for me. She used a lot of bright of bright colours because she knew how much I loved them, and arranged the rows randomly, as I don't like fixed patterns. In my mind, the pale green at the top will always be "Smokey's Eyes Green", as she named the colour after her favourite cat's eyes.

Johnny? here!... Sally? present!... Hyperlexian?.... Hyperlexian?

2011-05-18T20:26:00.004-06:00

I've been away from blogging for a while. Honestly, I've been having a bit of a hard time lately, and haven't felt like chronicling it. Thanks for sticking with me until I get through this rough patch.

Stair Climbing

2011-03-27T09:42:00.006-06:00

Lately, I have been restless for some exercise.

I work at a desk job in a downtown office building, and my break times are quite short and rigidly scheduled, so I don't have much time during the day. I travel for an hour on the bus and train to and from work, so my days don't have a lot of free time. The long cold snowy winter also makes it hard to get out and about for any sort of outdoor activity. I used to take walks in the evening, which can work in the spring and fall but summertime walks have become difficult because of my sensitivity to the sun.

So, one day it occurred to me that I work in a 12 floor office tower. With stairs. I hadn't really thought about it before because the stairs are for fire escape and don't open into the lobby and cannot be reached externally.

I work on the 7th floor, so one day about a month ago I got off the elevator on the 5th floor and hoofed it up the rest of the way. I kept that up for a couple of days, and I also started climb the stairs out of the train station instead of taking the two escalators on my way to and from work.

At first, it was really hard to even climb 2 flights at a time, then I became accustomed to it, and as soon as it felt to easy I added more flights. Up to this point, I wasn't adding any special effort to getting exercise - all of my stairs were accomplished as part of my regular activities. At the point I reached 11 flights spread out over the day.

Then something happened. I got to the point I could do 4 flights without stopping, and sometimes when I did that... I would get the most wonderful feeling afterward. Maybe about 15 minutes later, I would get the most fantastic sensation; euphoria mixed with a kind of sleepiness and a warm glow blanketing my whole body. It was like a shot of morphine (to be honest it was also similar to the rush of hormones after orgasm or during breastfeeding). I imagine this is something like a runner's high, but I didn't have to run a marathon to get there. But... it didn't happen every time. Maybe only 3 times in total. Just often enough to be an intriguing incentive.

I started to climb stairs duing my breaks too, and I added a few flights every few days. I like being strong, and I began to notice that my leg muscles are getting bigger and more defined. I also have high blood pressure and I am still technically "obese", so it is good for me to get some exercise for those reasons too.

Last week I reached a total of about 40 flights in a day. I am exercising for about 30 minutes in a day, in two major stints and two minor sets. I can still only climb about 5 flights withoutpausing briefly, I should add.

My muscles were plateauing out in terms of what I could force them to do, so I decided to find a way to increase a different aspect - cardiovascular. I took a deep breath and tried jogging up some of the stairs. Interestingly, it feel subjectively easier than walking up the risers, but I cannot sustain it as long and need more frequent rests.

I have now reached 48 flights in a day, and jog about 25% to 33% of it.

There are some downsides. After the first week I found that my knees started to twinge a little. So with some internet research I found that descending the stairs is very very hard on the knees. My solution is a hilarious twist... Once I get to the top I take the elevator back down. I haven't had any further knee problems thus far.

Also, on two occasions my blood pressure dropped too low after doing a stint. This made me feel very ill and weak. In response I became more careful about how hard I pushed myself in a single session and temporarily pulled back a little on the number of sets. I also made sure to eat something a little while before attempting a major session.

I found it discouraging at first because I thought I was not losing any weight. I saw some muscle changes but the scale was not cooperating. After a month of working at it, I could finally see a positive effect - I lost 1 inch (2.5 cm) from my waist, and the same from my hips.

I do not know how sustainable this exercise will be in the long term. But for now, I find it extremely enjoyable and rewarding.

My Newest Song

2011-03-12T19:19:00.004-07:00

Guess what? I finished my new song! It is entitled 'suicide butterfly' and logically... it is about my mother's suicide in December. Hard stuff to work through. It is dedicated to my sisters, who give me strength.

You can listen to it on my MySpace Music or Reverbnation websites. Or you can click the widget at the bottom of this page.

This was a sung that needed to be sung, but it was profoundly difficult for me to sing. You can hear that I am crying through a couple of stanzas. And those were the best takes of the bunch. But I had some emotions that I needed to get out, and creating this song really helped me.

Sort of. I think it helped me. In some ways I felt it lifted a weight off of my heart to compose this song, and in other ways I felt that working on this song kept me mired in a very dark and terrible place.

The title is intentionally 'suicide butterfly' as opposed to 'suicidal butterfly', even though the former appears to be grammatically incorrect. This is because i wanted the name to sound like the common name for a species of butterfly.

I am working on completing another song now. This one is not exactly cheerful, but at least it is less palpably depressing. Most of the time, I listen to uptempo, cheerful music, but the music in my soul is dark and sombre. Makes sense, really.

p.s. The common name of the butterfly in the illustration, above, is the Half-Mourning Butterfly. Really.

It Goes.

2011-02-09T09:01:00.007-07:00

I have been away from the blogosphere for a while. Just wanted to check in and let you know a little bit of what is going on.

Biology... Remember I signed up for a University class via distance learning? I am hopelessly behind on my coursework already. I signed up for it BEFORE my mom committed suicide, and I am finding it quite difficult to concentrate. I probably will purchase an extension to get extra time to finish the course. I need to be gentle with myself and allow myself the space to be imperfect.

Therapy... I have been attending therapy with my sisters (one attends in person and one attends via Skype). Both of them are amazing and fascinating individuals so I am really excited to be building a stronger relationship with them. With both of our parents now dead, this has been an opportune time to reconnect and build a functional family unit. I am really happy we are doing this, as I love my sisters very much and want to be closer to them.

Music... As part of my own healing process, I have written a song about my mother's suicide. It is so heartwrenchingly sad that I can't sing an entire stanza without crying. I decided to leave it as-is, with nasal vocals and voice cracking, but due to the emotional content the editing and mastering is slow going. It might not ever get finished, but the perfectionist in me doesn't want to move on to the next song until this one is done.

That's about all for now. Also, work is going reasonably well, I've been having a great time with friends, and I am diversifying some of my interests (spending less time in online forums, and more time with real-life people).

I'm not okay, but that's... okay

2010-12-24T07:57:00.006-07:00

My mood has been particularly labile these last couple of weeks. Sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling fine, but by the time I ride the bus to work I am crying.

I have managed to attend work every day since my bereavement leave ended (it worked out to 6 work days off, including 1 banked sick day), and the quality of my work has apparently not suffered (in fact, I somehow managed to attain the highest possible rating on my last round of phone monitoring). But I find myself having particular trouble dealing with uncertainty and handling small changes, and interacting with other people has become very difficult. I am experiencing random bouts of anxiety and panic elicited by simple things like a text on my cell phone or an unexpected email or phone call. My anxiety escalated to the point where my level of functioning at home and at work was compromised, so my doctor prescribed some anti-anxiety medication to help me cope.

I am doing some therapy sessions with my sisters, and I may also attend some individual therapy. I am not sure yet, as I have to figure out what I need first, and I have not yet really sorted myself out.

Suicide of a Mother

2010-12-05T18:33:00.004-07:00

My mom died on Thursday. She overdosed on a variety of medicines. I will not discuss her mental issues that preceded and precipitated the suicide, as my sisters have provided some excellent background already:

Chantelle's Blog
Bean's Path

Instead, what I would like to do is discuss my own feelings and emotions. This post is difficult to write. I have addressed my comments to my deceased mother.

Mom.

I am anguished that I did not matter enough to keep you alive.
I am angry that my best intentions were misunderstood and misconstrued.
I am uneasy that everything you believed about me might be true.
I am mad that you pushed me away in the past.
I am disappointed that I was not strong enough to support you.
I am confused by your mixed messages.
I am disquieted by the knowledge that I should have done more, but I was not capable.
I am unbalanced by the evidence you actually did care.
I am sad because I miss you.
I am frustrated that the mental health system could not save you.
I am devastated that you died alone.
I am enraged that you blamed us in your note.
I am numb by the repeated attempts.
I am disheartened that you thought I didn't care.
I am upset that I could not help you.
I am relieved that you cannot be lonely anymore.

Coursework

2010-11-14T12:47:00.003-07:00

I have decided to take a university Biology course. I don't really have the academic background, but I am not too worried about that.

I completed Chemistry 30 (Grade 12 level) in high school, barely - I squeaked by with 49%. Doing some homework would probably have helped me. I did quite well in a Biology 10 (Grade 10 level), but I took it for extra credit and didn't bother to take any higher level course. I got impatient with school and with memorizing facts. I also found laboratory environments intimidating and overwhelming, and my lack of visual and procedural memory made the experience especially difficult.

In University, I needed 3 credits of science, so with a little digging I found a Plant Science course with no required textbooks, no lab requirement, and no prerequisite.

But I have always been interested in science. I read almost entirely science books and magazines (with some social sciences thrown in), and I have a strong desire to take some University coursework in science.

I don't have any special reason to take the courses, except that... my job is getting really, really boring. I have gotten just good enough at the job that I am becoming restless. I have never stayed at a job longer than 2 years, and it will be 2 years at this job on March 1. I am seeking out and finding strategies to keep my mind active so that I have an outside focus.

If I left my job, I would likely take a massive pay cut as we are sort of overpaid for the call centre industry. Also, any other place would not have the great Team Leaders and coworkers I met and became friends with. In many ways, I have never been so happy at a job, in terms of environment.

But content-wise, the job is brutal. I deal with angry/bitter/sad/stressed/broke people for a significant part of every day. And there is a lot of pressure to keep my performance within certain statistical boundaries in terms of calls per hour, adherence to schedule, etc.... while also giving very well-informed and positive service to every caller.

So I need to stay in the job, but also distract myself. I will be taking Biology as a prerequisite to more interesting courses, and I tentatively decided to head straight for the University level course through a distance learning centre instead of completing the high school level first. Most of the subject matter at that level is composed of content that I familiar with through my own self-directed reading. Plus, if I fail the course... It doesn't matter. I have no plans for accomplishing anything specific.

It is a little expensive to take a class, but my income would drop significantly if I quit my job, so the course is is a sort of investment! It looks like my work contract will be extended to March 31, 2011 most likely, so I have some breathing space.

White Poppies

2010-11-10T07:38:00.002-07:00

Here is Canada, it is 'traditional' to wear a red poppy for Remembrance Day, in memory of the fallen soldiers from past wars (especially WWI and WWII, but not limited to such). It is based on the poppies (Papaver rhoeas)that grew in Flanders Fields during and after World War I, which was commemorated in the poem In Flanders Fields by Lt. Col. John McCrae.

Anyway, the whole concept of Remembrance Day has been bothering me. It had become (or perhaps it always was) a memorial of veterans and fallen soldiers, but the focus is remembrance and not peace. I am a strident pacifist (with humans only) and I prefer the motto "Never Again" instead of "Lest We Forget". Remembrance Day activities and poppy sales are organized by the Royal Canadian Legion, which obviously would not have an anti-war focus.

So, anyway, I don't wear a poppy. Or at least I haven't for many years. But then... husband found out something interesting. He heard a news report about the White Poppy. The White Poppy is a contentious symbol for peace:

...in 1933 the Women's Co-operative Guild introduced the White Poppy. Their intention was to remember casualties of all wars, with the added meaning of a hope for the end of all wars; the red poppy, they felt, signified only the British military dead.

The White Poppy fits more closely with my personal beliefs - that war is unavoidable at times, but peace is the ideal situation, and efforts should be made to prevent it whenever possible.

But it is getting difficult to find White Poppies in Canada, as the Legion is trying to block their sale and businesses in my city don't want to rock the boat. Next year, I'll just order one online.

poem - literati

2010-10-31T13:40:00.000-06:00

literati

meeting authors
at Litfest
hearing debates
in the auditorium
drinking coffee
amongst the literati
handling volumes
at the signing table
reading biographies
on the book jackets

made me realize that
i will never
have occasion
to pose for
a press photograph

Ocular Migraine

2010-10-27T14:30:00.003-06:00

I went to the Optometrist several weeks ago. It was for a checkup, and also because I have been getting spots and sparks in front of my eyes for the last couple of months. I was a little concerned because a few medical conditions can cause this problem, but mostly it is also quite distracting at work. I stare at the same area (computer screen and proximal surrounds) for most of the day, so I really tend to notice anything new in my field of vision.

The Optometrist ran a bunch of tests, and asserted his belief that the sparks are caused by Ocular Migraines. So interesting, because I do have a tendency toward migraines, and have experienced periods when I suffered from them on an almost-daily basis (I called them headaches, but technically they were migraines. At the time I just refused to believe a person could experience migraines that often!).

Once the eye doctor that diagnosis, I could see that it made sense. Many times over the last few months I experienced my usual heralds of an upcoming migraine (unfocused eyes, sore shoulders, tingling fingers, dizziness, fuzzyheadedness, neausea, etc), but then the majority of times.... the pain didn't ever arrive. According to the idea of this Optometrist, I am still experiencing migraines, but most times they are painless.

Well, it is still unpleasant, but given the choice between types of migraine.... I choose YOU, Ocular Migraine!

poem - a song, alive

2010-10-24T13:17:00.007-06:00

a song, alive

i wrote a song
with you in mind.

how sweet, my voice
how simple, my melody
how clever, my metaphor

but i knew that

if you
still lived
and breathed
my song would not.

Stuff I Wanna Do

2010-10-02T19:06:00.005-06:00

Well, there are many things I would like to do, but there are a few upcoming events I am excited about....

First is selected reading about bird behaviour at my local library, as part of Litfest: Edmonton's Nonfiction Festival. A couple of authors (Brian Brett & Candace Savage) are reading from their work and getting involved in a discussion about birds. The description reads like this:

Delve into the secret lives of birds, both in the wild and in something approaching domesticity. Stories by renowned natural enthusiasts and authors Brian Brett and Candace Savage lead into a discussion of our complex relationships with birds.

It's being held in a couple of weeks. I am not sure yet if I will be going because I will probably be going alone and that can be intimidating (I am not acquainted with very many people who enjoy birds).

**********

The second event is called Alberta Bound, a body modification conference. I am fascinated with tattoos (don't have any) and piercings (still just have the one in my hand). I find a wide variety of tattoos quite breathtaking or cool, and I am interested in certain unusual piercings. I will be going with my 16-year-old daughter and her friend.

Years ago my friends used to tell me I would be a good tattoo artist because my artistic style was quite suited to it, and in some ways that may be true, especially with some of the brighter-coloured mandalas I created at work a few months ago. Then I watched a friend of mine get a tattoo, and it made me itch to try tattooing, but I think I will toss that idea onto my pile of unrealized dream jobs! I am not a people person, and I am quite inflexible with my art. Plus... who would trust a tattoist who has no tattoos?

**********

The third event is a stop on the PostSecret Tour. The creator of PostSecret, Frank Warren, is travelling to promote his newest book (PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God) and to create a safe venue for people to share their secrets. If you are not familiar with the project, according to the PostSecret website:

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard.

I am also attending this event with my daughter and her friend.

**********

When I was younger I used to attend lots of fun events and got involved in community activities a lot more. After I had a child and got immersed in the working world I stopped getting involved in as much stuff. Plus for a few years I was living very remotely.

But now that I have been back in a city I am doing more activities again. I've seen 3 live musicians in the last year, for instance. And a year ago I went to a Neuroscience multidisciplinary conference with my child (who would like to be a psychologist someday). I look forward to getting involved in even more things soon. Perhaps, for me, it is a sign of better mental health?

What's That? Another Song?

2010-09-12T17:37:00.004-06:00

I made a new song a few weeks ago! I forgot to post it here. It's called 'allen key' and it is about the frustration of messing up relationships (and the frustration that comes from messing up build-it-yourself furniture).

You can listen to it on my iLike, MySpace Music, or Reverbnation websites. Or you can click the widget at the bottom of this page.

I have been told by a couple of people that the lyrics in allen key sound quite depressed, but I assure you that I am doing well. Most of my music and creative endeavours plumb the depths of my emotions, so they will often seem quite sad, but the act of creation is quite therapeutic.

Someone asked me if I will keep making songs with lyrics, or revert to instrumental music, or do both, and I decided that I will focus mostly (or perhaps completely) on songs with lyrics. I have always written poetry, so it is a natural extension for me. My early songs under the name revolute always felt like they were missing something.

I had somehow thought that I would be able to just add lyrics onto my existing musical style, but that has not worked at all. In a sense I am starting from the ground up and completely relearning what I've taught myself so far. But I am enjoying the challenge, and with practice I hope to keep improving in my singing (or find someone to sing for me).

Aspie Support Group 3

2010-09-09T11:51:00.003-06:00

So.... Remember I had mentioned that I wanted to join an Aspie Support Group in my city? and then I mentioned I was accepted into the group?

I went there last Saturday, and it was great! Not at all like I expected, of course. It is semi-structured, with a loose agenda. Each meeting opens with every member sharing some news, and then the agenda is covered (just a couple of items), then we are allowed to discuss any concerns or situations at greater length.

Group membership is evenly split between men and women, and the ages are between 25 and about 50,a nd about 7 to 15 people attend each time. My husband asked me if I was the highest-functioning person in the group, and I gave a (qualified) 'no'. Some of the people in the group are more socially well-adjusted than me. A couple of people really joke a lot and are quite gregarious and sociable in and out of the group. Sort of like me, but more so. And some people can drive, ride bikes, do athletics, etc., which I cannot do. Other people in the group are married like me or have long-term relationships. Also, someone else has the same level of education as me, or perhaps higher. Some members are proficient at eye contact as well.

However, I function quite well job-wise. Most of the people do temporary jobs (both unskilled and professional on-call positions) or don't work at all. I am sort of able to hold down a longer-term job.

Overall, the people are incredibly nice. I don't think I would be best friends with every single person, but I already really like the personalities of a couple of the individuals I met. Some members are less verbal, but I in some way I understand what they mean to say when they are talking or expressing themselves, in a way that I can't quite explain. I had that experience when I met a low-functioning autistic boy once, but I thought that was an anomaly. The leader is quite nice too, but unsurprisingly... I didn't connect as well with her as with the actual group members.

Once a month, there is also a social outing like a games night, bowling, movies, etc. It seems like fun!

Contest Winner

2010-08-30T08:40:00.005-06:00

I won a trip! It is an overnight trip to see a band I really like called Down With Webster (DWW). A friend of mine on Facebook enters lots of contests, and I saw this particular contest (Down with Webster's Ultimate End of Summer Party) on his news feed. Since I love the band's music (they have a Canadian hit song "Your Man"), I decided to enter.

I get to take a friend (my husband) fly to a major Canadian City, attend a party with the band in a cute little lakeside town, then stay in a nice hotel overnight and fly back the next day. I am excited! Well, sort of. Also scared. There's too much uncertainty, and I have too little control over the situation. But it is a special way to celebrate with my husband, as my return date is my 16th anniversary.

I was suprised when I won. But I was even more surprised at some people's reactions to my winning (not referring to anyone who is reading this, so relax!). Anyway, some certain people seem to be almost proud of me for winning, or kind of impressed. Like I am somehow deserving of this trip. I didn't DO anything to win (other than entering) and I don't deserve it any more than body else who entered. It's not like I am entitled or anything... Didn't swim the English Channel after all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqmo9-jVOcM

Aspie Support Group 2

2010-08-21T08:51:00.004-06:00

Remember I had mentioned that I wanted to join an Aspie Support Group in my city? I did a 1.5 hour intake interview, and they accepted me into the group!

I was completely honest about all of my background, including my informal diagnosis with a medical doctor/psychiatrist. This diagnosis was later confirmed by 2 other mental health professionals, but I didn't ever sit down and do the $500 to $1000 extensive testing. I was also honest about other diagnoses I have received over the years (Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder).

I was extremely anxious about the interview, but I needn't have been; the intake worker was kind, supportive and understanding. Apparently, the majority of the older Aspies in existence are either self-diagnosed or have an informal diagnosis... because Asperger Syndrome only entered the North Americal diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) in 1994. Since people of my generation were all adults at that time, we were obviously excluded from childhood assessment. Also, the criteria is skewed towards the elements that can be assessed and evaluated in children, not adults.

Anyway, I felt better knowing that I was neither off-base, nor alone. I start in the group in September!

Auditory Lie-Detection

2010-07-31T12:02:00.004-06:00

I was reading Quirkology by Professor Richard Wiseman, and was intrigued by the studies he performed, and the research he quoted, which demonstrate how to detect a lie. One important point was to listen to the words as opposed to visual cues, partly because eye contact, body posture and blinking are not reliable indicators.

I agree wholeheartedly, but I would take it a step further. Wiseman pointed to the transcribed content of a lie vs. the truth, and showed how certain criteria can be used to spot a lie: the specific words chosen, the referral to oneself, the quantity of specific details provided (or even just verbosity on a subject), the attachment of emotions instead of facts, and the self-effacing admission of forgotten details.

What I am interested in is something that he refers to only briefly in the summary of that section of the chapter: "The most reliable signs of lying are in a persons voice..." (italics mine). I believe that listening to the voice can provide very good indicators of a lie.

The reason I believe this is anecdotal; in most conversations with people, I don't make much eye contact, if any. Instead, I listen closely to a person's speech instead. I am quite fascinated with vocal qualities like cadence, intonation, hesitation, volume,accent, etc. as well as the effect of emotions, familiarity, education, etc. on speech.

You can actually hear a lie in a person's voice without even listening to the content, though I imagine that combining the two skills must be much more powerful. It is not 100% reliable to just listen to a person's speech, but I will tell you my personal observations:

micropauses - there will sometimes be a micropause or hesitation just prior to a lie, during which the speaker appears to be making the decision to lie. Also, the person may seem to be composing details for the lie or bolstering courage to proceed. This can even be observed mid-sentence.
tighter vocal chords - the vocal sound becomes slightly strained, almost like the person is highly emotional
volume - the lie is often slightly louder than the rest of the conversation
formality - the speech sounds like higher-level English (formalized), or sometimes even slightly accented, with each word more clearly pronounced
patterns - each person has overall distinctive patterns in their speech, and the pattern will change a little, just so that it somehow doesn't *sound* like the person you know. The listener will often sense something is 'off' and will search the speaker's face as though looking for some kind of confirmation

I am not an expert on lying, and my opinions are not a foolproof guide. I don't usually call people out on their lies as I mostly just feel embarrassed for them, but when I do I am quite often correct. I've had more then one person think I was either psychic or privy to external details of their life. Sometimes I stop trusting the people who lie often (not just based on my opinions, but based on later observations or confirmation from other sources), but it also makes me more likely to trust certain people - and their motives.

In my experience, people lie extremely often. In any given friendly conversation with another person (of more than a few minutes in length), I have noticed that there will very likely be at least one fabrication. I don't mean an epic-sized lie that would send a person to jail! But rather a substantially changed detail that, were it possible to confirm, it would give the listener great pause. These lies are often designed to make the speaker look better in some way - richer/smarter/hotter/more moral, or they may be imaginary details to support an argument.

I Make A Terrible Witness

2010-07-24T12:52:00.003-06:00

Last summer, I witnessed a car accident involving a pedestrian. There were no serious injuries, but the driver contested the charges, which meant that the incident went to traffic court. The driver was charged with failing to yield to a pedestrian.

The first subpoena ordered me to testify for the prosecution in January, but the driver didn't show up. A last minute message was received by the driver's lawyer as we waited; the defendant's grandmother passed away that day.

So the court date was rescheduled for April. Come April, the driver arrived and stated that his lawyer had dropped him and he did not have confirmation that his new lawyer was going to take the case. The judge was insistent on proceeding, but the defendant was not happy as he didn't have his papers from the lawyer. This trial was very significant to the driver as his license already had a large amount of demerits and his job involved driving. Therefore, more demerits could mean he would be likely to lose his job.

But the judge would not budge. The judge pointed out that the 2 witnesses (me and the pedestrian) had to inconvenience ourselves twice already. The defendant tried to argue that he was also inconvenienced by the trial, but the judge was not sympathetic. The judge spoke some true and hilarious words that I will always remember:
You have the right to a fair trial, but you do not necessarily have the right to a lawyer in traffic court....

I was very nervous about tesifying, because I have a terrible visual memory. I do not trust the things I remember, which is perhaps the biggest problem!

The witnesses testified separately. I did my best by reading my initial statement aloud. But then the prosecution and judge had some questions. Here is a sampling of the Q&A, in no particular order:

Prosecution: What colour was the traffic light?
Me: I have no idea. I was the passenger.

Judge: You said in your written statement that the other witness was jogging. Now you say he was running. How fast was he going?
Me: He was moving fast, but I dunno how fast exactly. Fast enough that I saw him going out of the corner of my eye and I though he might be on a bike. But I didn't really see him clearly until he was hit.

Prosecution: Do you recognize the scene from these photographs?
Me: Yeah, that is so cool! You can see my house in this picture! I live right there!

It didn't feel at all like a television show or movie, where there is such certainty about the events that transpired. How the heck to people remember the details so clearly? There was one point where I could not even verify that a detail I had written on my original statement was actually correct (whether the truck was already pulled into the pedestrian crossing). As in, I no longer had an actual memory of that portion of the event. But it must have been true because I wrote it down when it was fresh in my mind.

My uncertainty sort of makes sense. Memory is more flexible than researchers used to think. The ability of an average person to have any accurate representation in their flashbulb or photographic memory of traumatic events is quite contentious. And each time we retrieve a memory we reshape it slightly - these things are not fixed in stone.

I really think I would have been a bigger help to the prosecution (or to the defense) if I had just decided on some details and stuck with them, regardless of whether or not they felt true 9 months after the fact.

The judge's summation did not outright refer to my testimony as unreliable, but clearly i was no assistance to either side. He said that my statements fell down the middle and did not clearly put 100% of the responsibility on either party, and he listed several of my answers that would not be used in evaluating the assignment of blame (or whatever it's called).

p.s. The driver was found guilty (fine of $575 and 4 demerit points). The driver plans to sue the pedestrian, because after he was hit, the pedestrian jumped up and started to beat on the door of the truck and even tried to rip the door completely off.

Aspie Support Group

2010-07-20T14:00:00.006-06:00

So, I just recently found out that my city has a support group for adults with Asperger Syndrome. Naturally, I thought this could be helpful with my social skills and could help me keep my job. Not that I am in danger of being dismissed or anything!... But I face the difficulty of staying in my jobs due to my own impulsivity, and due to government cutbacks my contract may not be extended come October.

Plus, I have never ever actually met another real-life Aspie. I have communicated online, but that is all. So I was so excited to find out that there was a way for me to meet other people with High-Functioning Autism and Asperger Syndrome. The group meets every 2 weeks, and there are social events every month as well.

The group shuts down over the summer, but there are meetings starting in September again. I spoke to the group leader, who got me started on the email list. Next I need to complete an intake form at the Autism Society office, which is a little intimidating. Apparently I will need to provide some background, including the shrink who originally diagnosed me. Naturally, I can't remember what the heck his name was, and there is no listing of psychiatrists in that province to be found *anywhere*. So I will provide as much information as I can, and hope for the best.

I am terrified, and so totally pumped. I was so excited last night that I could not sleep, then I ended up dreaming about attending the group!

Most Popular Posts

2010-07-14T13:29:00.003-06:00

I was checking out my Google Analytics reports today to see what people are reading on my blog. I haven't bothered to check it for a year or so because it had been pretty static. But now I'm glad I looked at it because I think the results are very interesting.

First of all, more than twice as many people are reading my blog over the last year compared to the year prior, resulting in an increased readership of 100 to 250% year over year. Interestingly, most of the traffic is not referred or repeat traffic - most of my readers are brand new visitors who googled something and my blog came up in the results. Some of my topics are kind of obscure, so this has driven a great deal of the traffic.

Of course, this also means that the vast majority of visitors are unique, and they don't return. This pretty much sums up not only my blog, but also my past clothing and art stores on Etsy, and my current music work. For the most part, I tend to create each piece or blog post as an individual, self-contained entity without strong ties to the past or future. Although themes emerge, they are not necessarily strong enough to interest repeat readers.

Here are the 10 most popular blog posts to date, in order of decreasing popularity:

I am thankful that I also have a strong loyal core of regular readers - family and friends both from real-life and the interwebs. I am happy that you are interested to return and read my ramblings. Thank you for coming back to my blog!

Music Machine

2010-07-03T22:32:00.004-06:00

Guess what? I made a new song! It's called 'why do i remember' and it's about unrequited love, which I think most people can relate to. At some point haven't we all wished for someone's love, so hard that we can imagine every detail? Of course, the reality is never so perfect as the imagination!

I sang on two tracks again, and tried to use some harmony this time. My apologies for the not-yet polished vocals, but I think I am improving. I also utilized a banjo sound, but I tried to alter it to sound like a medieval instrument or a bit Asian.

The song can be heard by clicking on the Reverbnation widget at the bottom of the page, or by going to my Reverbnation or Garageband pages.

Turns out that Garageband will, indeed, be dissolved as I had previously read:

"After ten years of helping people discover independent music, Garageband.com will be retired on July 15th, 2010."

Apple is guiding people to Myspace Music and iLike (an acquisition of Myspace). My songs are already on iLike, and apparently I just need to login over there to have my songs fully migrated. Myspace Music is something I have been considering for a while... But it is already so popular with already-established bands, and complicated-looking, that I have been intimidated by the site. I believe I will ultimately venture onto there, once I gather the time and gumption.

Sun Issues Amplified

2010-06-29T08:16:00.000-06:00

I developed a more persistent sun problem this season. As you may recall, I have a sun allergy. I was managing it with an SPF 60 zinc oxide / titanium dioxide sunblock, which was 100% effective last summer.

A few weeks ago, I started to develop a rash a rash on my upper chest. It did not seem to be happening while I was actually in the sun, so it didn't occur to me that it was sun-related. I was concerned about it as it started out looking like an allergic rash I got from penicillin, so I went to the doctor about it. I figured I could be developing a reaction to one of my regular medications.

The doctor told me it was from the sun and prescribed a mild steroid cream. I was confused and skeptical, but I thought I would try the cream and watch for other issues. It didn't fade, and after 3 weeks it looked less spotty and more like a mild sunburn. I also developed a slight rash on my forehead and patches on my arms. None of the rashes were shockingly bad - in fact, they were mostly unnoticeable to anyone unless I pointed them out. But they itched and burned. I went to another doctor for a second opinion.

This doctor absolutely agreed with the first diagnosis, and prescribed a stronger steroid cream. He told me that unless I find a way to completely cover up from the sun, the rash will not go away. He also understood the difficulty of accomplishing this. Note that I get incidental sun on a daily basis, but rarely more than 5 minutes at a time... I generally avoid the sun.

It has been 6 weeks since I first saw the rash, with no improvement. Time for some new ideas. Options:

A Parasol. I possess one, but it is mostly ornamental so I don't really use it - I need more than a sun filter. I have been looking around and have not yet seen a parasol that actually blocks the majority of sun. Also I don't want to look like a nutcase. I've seen about 3 people in my city carry parasols, and they were all sweet old Asian ladies who can carry it off!
Sun hats, which I am currently shopping for. I like to wear hats, but my lovely headwear is not wide-brimmed or tightly woven.
High-necked clothing. I have taken to wearing a zipped-up jacket, even on the hottest days. It is getting hotter though, so I bought a couple of cheap men's button-up shirts to wear as lightweight summer coats.
Clothing sunscreen. In my research, I found that RIT makes a clothing sunscreen called SunGuard, which increases the SPF of your clothing dramatically. Unbeknownst to me, washing with detergent incrementally increases clothing SPF, until a maximum barrier is reached at 10 washings. This is apparently due to the detergent, but I think clothing shrinkage must be a factor too. I ordered some of the RIT stuff to try.
Sun avoidance. I am trying, but I need to walk to the bus stop every day, for instance.

I think a combination of these ideas will work best. Honestly this is kind of ridiculous. Last summer I had been taking daily walks but I really can't do that now. With most of the solutions above, it would not be comfortable to walk briskly or exercise outdoors. It is kind of hot to be competely covered up. A parasol may help, once I find a good one.

Just last week, I also discovered that my favourite sunblock has been discontinued in Canada, and there are no other physical barrier sunscreens of that effectiveness available. According to Neutrogena it was not very popular (I guess not everybody likes to wear toothpaste-textured mud on their skin). I ordered some on eBay from the United States, but until it arrives I created a chemical / physical mixture with a bottle of SPF 100 and diaper rash cream. It works really really well, actually. And my skin is baby-soft.

Female Behaviour When Threatened

2010-06-24T09:15:00.000-06:00

I am usually not too great at reading body language, but lately I have observed something new (well, it was new to me - I had not noticed it before). have been watching women's behaviour... on the train and bus and street, and even at work.

I was noticing that women behave differently, at least in public places, when a better-looking female enters the area. I am obviously not a specially talented judge of what makes one woman better looking than another, but I think most people can confidently see if a woman could be considered smoking hot, for example.

Until now, I had only noticed that MEN behave differently around women like that. But it is much much more interesting to see how WOMEN act. On many occasions, I have observed a women do one or all of these things:

pull herself up straight / fix her posture

push her chest out a bit

adjust her clothing

fuss with her hair, or even toss her head

pout her lips a bit, or lick her lips

in the presence of a beau, flirt/giggle/touch her man possessively

I noticed also that it isn't *all* women who do this, but the most likely women to behave like this are females of the same demographic as the hot woman.

I assume that I must have been doing the same things, but not anymore! These behaviours are unconscious, and once you are consciously aware, they seem kind of absurd. Me flipping my hair won't make me any more attractive when Megan Fox walks into the room!

New Song!

2010-06-12T20:32:00.005-06:00

I sang a new song! It's called 'dancing is not always a metaphor'. it's about dancing when you are alone in the house. I don't know if dancing around an empty house is a universal tendency (in cultures where dancing is acceptable), but I have always enjoyed it...

I chose the name because the subject of the song sounds like, ummmmm a metaphor for errrrrrrr something else. But it is not intentional!

I sang on two separate tracks and applied haunting effects to one track only. I tried singing a harmony but that was overreaching my limited experience, so I stuck with something simpler.

Another unusual thing I did was record the sound of a rubber band and use that as an instrument in my keyboard. It doesn't sound like a rubber abnd at all - if you listen to the song it is the instrument that approximately follows the lyric melody during the vocals only.

The song is on Garageband and Reverbnation, or you can just click the widgety box at the bottom at the bottom of this page.

In other news, I was uploading my song in Garageband, and I accidentally clicked a link for some expanded services that musicians can purchase for a Gold Membership on Garageband. Before I clicked back, I got this sad message:

GarageBand.com will be discontinued on Jun 30, 2010

We are no longer accepting Gold memberships.

If you have recently purchased membership in the last 90 days and would like a refund, please contact refunds@iLike-inc.com from the email address of the account used to make the purchase. Refund requests must be received by July 31st, 2010.

There is absolutely no other press or news out there about Garageband shutting down. I don't know if the site will reopen under new membership or what will happen. But it was a great (largely free) way for unknown/unsigned artists to showcase their music, enter contests, and get exposure, so it will be a bummer when the site closes.

Japanese Street Fashion

2010-06-08T10:41:00.005-06:00

I don't think I've ever shared my deep love for Japanese Street Fashion. My daughter introduced me to Japanese style, and I have to say I am in love! In Canada, it is not common to see a man in a ruffled skirt, Lolita outfits, dropped-crotch pants,

I believe a part of me can understand why they come up with these unusual, extreme, gorgeous outfits. Most students wear uniforms to school, and adult work environments can have restrictive dress codes. So I think that youth in Japan are looking to express themselves freely and radically those contexts.

Although they may follow certain genres (i.e. Lolita, Visual Kei, Cosplay), the importance seems to be in individualizing each outfit so that nobody else can ever look quite the same. Harajuku Station has become internationally renowned for the youth street style - the name itself is pretty well-known outside Japan now.

I totally wish I could dress like that, but it's not the kind of style that people wear to work in any country!

Too Much Time On My Hands...

2010-06-06T12:24:00.004-06:00

... means that I start to invent stuff, or come up with wild ideas (which I don't ever plan to implement of course). I have so many of these ideas - sometimes I feel like I can't turn my brain off.

I feel the need to purge these ideas, so they aren't completely forgotten. But if you ever see something that interests you, feel free to 'steal' whatever tickles your fancy. These ideas are just the vague musings of an addled mind, and I am not interested in gaining any profit from them.

Here we go:

1. There needs to be clothing designed specifically for crossdressing men. I don't mean the extreme drag queen fashions that are already available, but nice normal dresses for men who like to wear them publicly or privately. I think there is a need in this area because men have different bodies from women - longer waists, longer legs, wider shoulders, thicker necks, bigger arms and so on.

Plus, not every man is going to pad himself a pair of hips or stuff a set of breasts, so some men may want a dress that suits their natural body. This is an untapped market, in my opinion. And in all honesty, I think the market is larger than we could ever know, because it is largely secret...

2. I was thinking about black lights and wondering if any normal beauty products glow under the lights, such as my sunscreen. I still don't know. Anyway, what about deodorant or antiperspirant? Do they glow? If so, that would make a wicked commercial! Imagine the embarrassment when the white streaks on your shirt glow in the dark!

3. I have been watching ridiculously stupid amounts of the television show Criminal Minds. My kid recently introduced me to the show, so I've been catching up on past episodes... I'm up to Season 4 so far. Naturally I have become semi-obsessed with various criminal modi operandi.

I thought it would be super-cool to have an episode on a crime drama show with a series of killers in a sort of crime-ring. Each one is a husband who kills his wife after learning the craft from another wife-killer. They learn various methods of killing with hardly a trace and study how to avoid detection. The information is passed along like a falling series of dominoes.

Each killing is treated by law enforcement as an isolated event because there is no evident trace of a link in between the killers, and they are instructed by their killer mentor to do things differently from the last case. Plus, they are in very different locales, so there is no obvious connection there. And each event is a one-off, as each murderer only performs a single killing.

The ring could be finally uncovered whe one husband botches the murder, or when a suspicious wife goes to authorities. Grim, eh?

****************

That's all for today. Someday I may even offer up a couple of my design ideas for people to use if the want, but for today it is too much work to think about explaining them!

Telephone Recording

2010-05-30T11:54:00.003-06:00

I have always thought there are occasions when it would be useful to for a person to have a copy of a telephone conversation. In my opinion, off the top of my head, some cases when it would be useful include:

proving a creditor is behaving badly
having a record of customer service hijinx
a person with dementia or problems with memory may need help acquiring necessary details (i.e. appointment times)
demonstrating harassment has occurred (where call display features are not sufficient)
having a recording of a loved one's voice
and some other reasons, some nefarious and others hilarious, according to Phone Loser and Jake Ludington's Digital Lifestyle

Please note that in Canada it is legal to record telephone conversations as long as one party is aware of the recording (i.e. excluding third party wiretapping).

Considering the proliferation of cheap answering machines I think it would be a cheap and simple device to produce, but for the most part interested individuals are forced to wiretap their own phones to do it. Or they have to buy and install an external device or use their computer to intercept the call information. Or I suppose a person could awkwardly hold a recorder to the receiver.

I really think telephones should be automatically equipped with a recording option.

In countries where the recording is illegal, I have to wonder... why? Wiretapping may imply a breach of privacy, but at times people are subject to video recording both publicly and privately. Laws are so complicated.

Less One Dog

2010-05-22T14:59:00.003-06:00

We used to have two dogs, now we have one. One of them was a yellow lab named Porgy, who we adopted through family 4 years ago. She was a 7-year-old retired seeing-eye dog, and was a highly trained canine.

Over the period of time we had her, we worked hard to untrain her. Overly trained dogs are NO FUN in my opinion, so in short order we had Porgy curling up on furniture, sleeping late under the covers on our bed, ignoring commands and playing tug-of-war with the fetch stick.

Porgy was a difficult dog to appreciate at times - she was constantly underfoot (vestiges of training?), she didn't know how to play with other dogs, the only game she played with people was fetch, and she didn't particularly like to be petted or stroked (except on the ears).

Her health steadily declined over the years. She became more and more lethargic and became fatigued easily. About two years ago, she stopped playing fetch for more than a couple of throws, and she started to seem permanently overheated.

Finally, a few weeks ago she became noticeably deaf, stiff in the joints, easily tired out, and intermittently incontinent, and we knew it was time to say goodbye.

The night before my husband brought her into the veterinarian's office, I tried to convince Porgy to play fetch one last time, but she respectfully declined. Instead, I took her for a short walk and let her stop to smell EVERYTHING along the way, then fed her lots of her favourite food - cheese!

When husband brought Porgy in, the vet said that she had lymphoma - every single one of her lymph nodes was swollen. He said that at her advanced age of 11, it was almost certainly malignant (cancerous) lymphoma. He said that it could have been treated with chemotherapy, but the chemo would only have extended her life by 6 to 8 months. So she was definitely close to death, and we are glad we took care of her before she suffered too much.

Listen To Me Already!

2010-05-15T16:04:00.006-06:00

(please).

My newest song is called 'is this a happy song'. It is a love song for my husband. We fight and go to bed angry, then in the morning we can't always remember if we are still supposed to be mad at each other.

I always wanted to have vocals in my songs, but I couldn't find anyone to sing for me. So I eventually had to do it myself. I need to stop apologizing for myself, so I won't speak badly about my singing here. People will like it or they won't, and that's that.

The genre is quite different from my other songs. My research suggests that it could most likely be considered folktronica or indietronica. I went for a sweet, folky, traditional sound in a waltz beat, but with noiceably electronic instruments.

I changed my band name to go along with my new sound, as I will be trying to do more vocals from now on, and there is already a successful Eastern European band called 'revolute'. My new name is 'creative differences'. This represents the public relations spin-doctoring that occurs when artists go their separate ways; it is always due to 'creative differences'. Because I have Asperger Syndrome, I frequently feel as though I have creative differences with myself.

You can visit my band pages and listen to the songs here:

creative differences at Reverbnation
creative differences at GarageBand

...or click the Reverbnation widget box at the bottom of this page.

Thanks for listening!

Birthday

2010-05-05T18:22:00.002-06:00

I turned 38 on May 4, and oh boy did I party! Okay, not really. Husband took me shopping for shoes!

We went to West Edmonton Mall, but I didn't have any luck finding shoes until we left the mall and went to the Town Shoes and Adidas outlet stores. I loved the Town Shoes store - the selection was amazing!

I bought a spanking pair of classic Adidas shoes, complete with sparkly stripes, and a pair of silver DKNY lace-up sneakers that I have deemed my dress shoes. I tried to include a photo of the DKNY shoes, but I simply could not track down a picture of them! Anyway, here are my new Adidas:I was lucky to receive a lovely set of Beats Solo by Dr. Dre headphones and How to Drive a Tank: and Other Everyday Tips for the Modern Gentleman from my husband, and the book How the Mind Works from my daughter. I also got lots of gummi candies! I am spoiled.

I'm Bored...

2010-05-01T11:29:00.008-06:00

... with my blog. I must apologize to my 22 regular readers for my absence, but i have been bored with myself. I am finding my life singularly uninteresting, irritating and particularly lame. I partially write blog posts, then trail off and never finish them.

I guess I DO have news and some updates, however, so I shall give you some condensed information about my life lately:

WORK: I am working 30 hours per week, which are my core contracted hours. I was working 37.5 (plus overtime), but the extra work was dependent on public demand for our services. We experienced cutbacks due to reduced call volume in our call centre. This may increase again in future - perhaps with summer demand, and if I ever get an indeterminate/permanent contract my hours will be more stable.

BEER: I have taken up drinking good beer, on an occasional basis. I have started drinking a half a beer or a single beer on most days (good for the blood pressure) and occasionally I have a couple of pints with work friends. I have had no temptation over-imbibe (significant given my own addiction history and family alcoholism). In moderation I have noticed no physical adverse effects, even when I have a drink of my own invention: RUMBEER (disgusting according to everyone else who has tasted it).

MEDS: I am taking Celexa (citalopram) in half my prescribed dosage. I have reduced my dosage due to side effects (yes, I have a medication compliance issue: it is still my intention to eventually discontiue antidepressants altogether). I am also taking Bisoprolol for blood pressure, and I have also been able to cut this dosage in half; I began to experience low blood pressure! (90/60 at the doctor's office)... please see BEER, above. I have to be careful which generic version I take in order to avoid hair loss. An added positive of this beta-blocker is that it reduces anxiety, though unfortunately it has been shown to have negligible preventative effects for strokes, so my doctor in encouraging a change in meds.

THERAPY: I am not doing any at the moment. Trying to maintain and sustain the positive effects of my group therapy. I have become much more self-aware and will continue to monitor my need for help. Part of my self-awareness is the understanding that I have to accept myself in whole, and allow myself to be imperfect.

PIERCING: Has a chronic low grade (very minor) infection. I soak it in honey, but I can't use bandages on it for longer than a couple of hours, because apparently I have developed a sensitivity to the adhesive. But I still love the piercing, and plan to get more.

MUSIC: I have a new one-woman-band name, as revolute is actually being used by a fairly popular band in Eastern Europe. My new releases will be under the name creative differences, which is an homage to the reasons cited when bands break up. I am experimenting with vocals, and so far my singing is too terrible to share, but I refuse to give up!

FRIENDS: I have some. Really! At my work, people are very kind and open to my weirdness, so I have been socializing with people off-site. It is an amazing feeling to have/keep friends, as I usually unintentionally kill off my friendships! Asperger Syndrome can be a friendship-squashing agent. One of my friends makes electrionic music, just like me! But he has been doing it for a lot longer, and his music is much better. We have been inspiring each other and encouraging each other to get cracking, so our respective creative output has increased since we became friends. His name is =WaveshadoW=.

That's all I could think of for now. I'll add more updates if they occur to me. Thanks for reading!

Honey, Honey

2010-04-10T15:55:00.003-06:00

It's a honey miracle!

Well, maybe not exactly a miracle, but I was reading about the healing ability of honey, so I decided to try it. I don't take action based on anecdotal reports, however, so I did some more research before I tried it.

Firstly, to back up a little it, my piercing got infected. Honestly, it was getting a little infected every 3 or 4 days, but it got radically worse about a week or ten days ago. Swelling, heat, redness, pain... and soaking it in a sea salt solution was providing no help whatsoever at that point.

I knew I needed to take some action if I didnt want to lose the piercing. There was a downside to every other possible remedy I looked into (alcohol and hydrogen peroxide dry out the skin and can fine cracks where bacteria can colonize, and salves/balms seal the piercing and don't allow it to drain).

But what about honey? Research has demonstrated that it is more faster and more thorough at healing wounds than many topical antiseptics commonly used in hospitals. It has antibacterial properties, creates an acidic environment, draws out moisture, etc... all of which can speed healing, prevent/fight infection and prevent scarring. Some research has shown that honey can even fight Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA). Most of the research and analysis can be found at the Waikato University's Honey Research Unit webpage (New Zealand).

In the studies, both pasteurized and unpasteurized honey were used, but the variety largely studied was something called manuka honey. I didn't want to fuss around looking for some rare, expensive variety of honey, so I grabbed the generic pasteurized stuff I keep in the cupboard.

The hardest part was finding a way to keep it on my piercing all day long. I started out diluting it, but that was messy and didn't stay on too well. Eventually I just squeezed some on directly from the bottle, and covered it with a super-stick fabric bandage. The bandage absorbed a great deal of the honey, so I reapplied some every couple of hours.

The miraculous result is a completely uninfected piercing after 4 days of honey treatments. In fact, the honey helped to bring down some residual swelling and redness that I had before the infection started. I think I will continue to do a honey treatment once a week or so, overnight, to aid my body in healing the piercing itself (it can take 4 months to a year for body piercings to fully heal).

Pierced

2010-04-03T13:12:00.004-06:00

So, I finally got a piercing. Although it is not technically my first piercing ever, it is my first body piercing.

It is called a hand or web piercing. It is fairly uncommon, for a few reasons. First of all, the likelihood of it remaining successfully in my hand is not high. The rejection rate is about 80%, but mine has a slightly better chance of success because I am using plastic jewelry and it is set fairly deeply into the skin.

Another problem is that hand piercings tend to get infected quite easily, which I believe is because hands are disgusting petri dishes of myriad microbial crawlies. I can confirm that it does get infected easily, as about every third day my piercing has been getting reinfected... but so far my immune system has triumphed. It is hard to find piercing artists willing to perform the piercing because of the high infection rate.

Lastly, getting it pierced hurts like a m*therf*cker. It really does - I nearly passed out afterward, and I have NEVER even come close to passing out from pain (45 hours undrugged childbirth? no problem. Getting fingers squashed in a safe? not a big deal. Hit by a bus? walked away). But my brain had some difficulty processing exactly what had just happened, and I think I had some minor, transient shock.

People asked why I did it, and all I can say is that something changed in my perspective since I went through therapy - I guess I am not trying so hard to be something I'm not. The unexpected flip side is that, according to husband, I seem to be better able to live in his/your/the 'normal' world.

I guess increased self-acceptance can lead to a greater acceptance from others, even if the 'self' I am accepting does not fit into the neurotypical box...

Ruptured Bank

2010-02-11T07:41:00.007-07:00

I think I forgot to mention that my husband was discharged from bankruptcy a few months ago. Since our credit is entirely separate (although we share bank accounts), his bankruptcy did not affect me at all.

This was happy event - he was looking forward to eliminating his Canada and Alberta student loans, which he has not had the ability to pay off since he left school in 2001 (one of my first ever blog posts was about this situation).

Many people are surprised that he could include his student loans in the bankruptcy proceedings, but the Canadian government had mercy on its fleet of underemployed post-secondary graduates.

Of course, naturally, the collection agencies have found a way to create difficulty for him. My husband left university in 2001. The collection agencies have him on file as leaving school in 2004. Really? In 2004 he was living on a First Nations Reserve with me in Northern Alberta (which you can see is quite far from the closest university, college, city, town, or even village).

He checked with the Alberta Students Finance Board to see what information they had on file, and they thought he finished school in 2002. Considering he consolidated his loans in 2001 and didn't attend school anywhere, anytime, after that date, this is truly astonishing. Well, not that astonishing really... We are talking about money, after all.

Almond Milk

2010-01-13T09:08:00.006-07:00

As far as I know, I wasn't born lactose intolerant. I've never loved the taste of milk (not including cream, glorious cream), but sometime around my early teen years milk started to disagree with me, and it has become a fairly steady problem ever since.

Many people with Asperger Syndrome and Autism seem to have digestive issues, but there is a great deal of argument about the causes and treatments, and there is currently no medically confirmed correlation between Autism Spectrum Disorder and gastrointestinal problems. Perhaps we just complain more!

I go through phases in which I am more - or I am less - able to digest milk, but I have pretty much given up on eating dairy products without taking a Dairy Digestive Supplement, or I find alternatives to use... like Almond Milk, yum!

Almond Milk is thinner in consistency than cow's milk, but it tastes sweeter and is more thirst-quenching. It also has fewer calories than an equal amount of skim milk, but I find it quite filling to drink. I've also found that Almond Milk can be substituted for cow's milk in many recipes. It is not cheap, but it costs less than taking a Dairy Digestive Supplement!

Many, Many Jobs

2009-12-21T13:49:00.004-07:00

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, I mentally scrolled through a list of the jobs I've had in my lifetime. It is a very long, and very mixed, list. Here are all of the jobs I can recall, going back over 20 years, in no particular order:

After-school Care Worker

Teacher (Elementary and Jr. High)

Internal Audit Clerk

Daycare Worker

Dayhome Care Provider

Street Cleaner (on foot)

Store Clerk (convenience store, health & beauty, video store, clothing store, department store, bakery)

Bakers' Assistant

Art Gallery Attendant (volunteer)

Cashier

Principal

Cook

Telephone Surveyor

Barista/Waitress

Data Input & File Clerk

Shipper/Receiver

Restaurant Supervisor (Fast Food)

Poll Clerk (Federal Elections)

Call Centre Agent

Museum Interpreter

That's all I can remember for now. Some of these jobs only lasted for a couple of days, thankfully. My favourite job was Museum Interpreter. It was a telephone museum, and it was so incredibly fun. Unfortunately it was only a summer job; the year-round staff were volunteers.

Clothing Tags

2009-12-08T11:43:00.004-07:00

I can't handle the scratchiness of tags on my clothes, especially in the backs of my shirts. Occasionally, an offending tag will escape my notice at first, only to make its presence known several hours later - usually in a most importune moment, like while I am on the phone with a claimant at work, or during dinner at a restaurant, or as I'm riding the bus (naturally I'd be wearing several layers of outerwear).

When the tag starts to bother me I have a limited amount of time to remove it before I completely melt down. I've recruited family, friends, and even coworkers to snip a tag that is out of my immediate reach. At home or at work, there are usually scissors around... but I don't carry scissors around with me, so I've had some tag-related emergencies that have left me no choice but to rip the damn thing out. More than once I've had to repair a garment because I've managed to tear holes in my clothing in my haste to extricate an offending tag.

Seems extreme, but it is difficult to communicate just how irritating I find the tags... I've been reduced to tears by the itch and scratchiness! Don't even get me started on wool or lace...

Therapy Breakthrough

2009-11-24T20:02:00.008-07:00

On Friday, I finally got angry in my group therapy. The shrinks had been trying to get me to show anger for a couple of months, but I just didn't feel angry.

Well, that day I spoke up about my Asperger Syndrome, and another group member judged me pretty harshly. He told me that I seem to hide behind my various health problems instead of dealing with my actual emotional problems.

To be fair, I do have a lot of health problems, and they can be a distraction at times. However, I've come so far and dealt with so many issues in my therapy (this guy started 3 weeks ago; he hasn't been around for much), so his judgement was not a fair assessment of my progress.

So... I defended myself. Strongly. Looking back over the situation, I feel proud and pleased with myself. I did not become irrational or overly emotional, but I expressed my anger and told the individual exactly how his assessment was incorrect. I wasn't exactly fair or nice to him (truthfully, I didn't let him speak again that day), but I definitely got my point across. He tried to leave the room twice, but tthe shrink forcefully told him to sit back down. He did.

The following Monday, the shrinks asked me how I was feeling, because that guy took the opportunity to explain why he had behaved that way in group (irrelevant to explain, except that he was painting me with the same brush as an ex-friend who betrayed him. More importantly, it wasn't an apology, but I wasn't really expecting one). This is what I said:

I had an amazing weekend. Honestly, after Friday I felt 10 feet tall. I finally realized that I don't need anyone to protect me - I can take care of myself. And I will continue to do so. It isn't pretty, but I would do it again without hesitating. I am NOBODY'S punching bag.

However... It's good that I am almost finished group therapy (less than 2 weeks left), because I no longer feel safe in that environment. Part of protecting myself is making sure I am not vulnerable to attack from vicious jerks, and that will prevent me from being able to open up in my group again. It is kind of irrelevant since I don't have much time left, and anyways I think my work in that group therapy is done. I'm not fixed, but I'm repaired and roadworthy.

2009-11-16T21:25:00.005-07:00

In episode #3 (Anvil) of television's (remade) series The Prisoner, Number 2 said something like

fear is guilt in disguise

which is an interesting take on the idea of concealed emotions. When my 15-year-old daughter heard it, she disagreed. My girl said that

guilt is fear in disguise

I think they are perhaps both true, but I am biased toward the philosophical musings of my child.

Aspie Moment #4

2009-11-12T19:27:00.004-07:00

It's time for another Aspie Moment.

<<< An aside to my 18 (ish) regular readers:

'Aspie Moments' are not really a true category of behaviour as defined by the greater world (such as the ever-popular 'Senior Moments'), but are rather my own:

moments of extreme embarrassment, silliness, discomfort, anger, or other assorted craziness

that are precipitated by my Asperger Syndrome. Of course, these 'moments' could happen to anyone - even NT (neurotypical) people, but since this is my blog I have decided what the phrase defines in this context. Aspie Moments happen because of, or are exacerbated by, the social clumsiness inherent in my Asperger Syndrome.

end of aside>>>

Back to my Aspie Moment:

I enter the elevator at work, and two coworkers enter after me; a girl and a guy. The elevator is full with about 8 people in it. The girl worked as my training coach in my position, so I know her on a friendly basis, sort of.

Me: "Hi, how are you?"

Girl: "Vicki? I didn't recognize you. You look different. Are you wearing makeup?"
Me: "Really? Huh, well I was wearing makeup before."
Girl: "Oh, it's your hair. You have it back."

Me: "Oh yeah, I've been wearing these hairbands, cuz my hair is falling out. It's my camouflage."

Girl looks at me, kind of surprised, so I explain further:

Me: "I'm not sick, it's just caused by my blood pressure meds."

The elevator stopped on their floor, and they say goodbye. A few minutes later, I realize that it isn't camouflage if you tell everyone about it. Oops. I'm still telling people though.

See my Aspie Moment #1 here #2 here and #3 here.

Listen to me already!

2009-11-05T18:01:00.005-07:00

... or don't. I won't cry. Well, maybe a little.

I created some new music, which contains something I've never included before: vocals. Well, perhaps calling it vocals is stretching things, because it consists of only two spoken lines.

I used spoken lyrics because, though I do love to belt out a song, I cannot sing tunefully. At all. Which I know is also true for many established singers, but I am not confident enough to just sing anyway, even though it sounds horrid.

So I am systematically forcing myself to get used to the sound of my own recorded voice, bit by bit. This song is my first step on that journey.

I'd say this tune is not my best music so far, but I'm still experimenting with different sounds. If you feel like it, go and have a listen. And if, against all odds, you happen to enjoy it, download it and share it with your friends, because my music is free for you under the Creative Commons (edit: with a fixed link. sorry!):

quiet loud

by revolute

I Think He Googled It

2009-11-03T18:47:00.004-07:00

I saw my doctor again on the weekend. My blood and urine tests (to find out why I am losing hair) all came back normal... Except, of course, that I have ANOTHER urinary tract infection (UTI). The doctor downplayed it as it seems to be mild at this point, but given my history I'm going to follow up with it in a couple of weeks.

When I suggested once again that my hair loss my be due to the beta blocker metoprolol, the doctor agreed with me (unlike last time). So I am now trying a another beta blocker called atenolol.

On the advice of my sister I spoke to the pharmacist about my hair loss, and he agreed that it could be caused by the beta blocker... however, he does not think that atenolol could possibly be an improvement. Atenolol is actually an older variety of beta blocker, often with more pronounced side effects. Sigh.

Well, I will give it time to work, but it could be months before my hair grows back. I am hoping it does not get worse before it gets better.

Sleeping on the Couch, Part II

2009-10-26T20:09:00.005-06:00

As I was saying yesterday, I have some strange stuff going on, which may or may not be related to my blood pressure medicine, a beta blocker called metoprolol. Yesterday I wrote about sleepwalking, and today I'll talk about my other major symptom.

I'm losing my hair. Over the last one or two months, my body hair has been falling out. Which was kinda cool at first (what female likes having body hair?), so I pretty much ignored it. I suspected it could be from my advancing age (I'm 37 - not too early for premenopausal hormonal changes). I also wasn't sure if it was my imagination, as it was very gradual.

A week ago - one or two months after it all started - I noticed my arm hair is 25-50% gone (rather shocking).

And my eyelashes and eyebrows are sparser. (more shocking).

And my head hair has noticeably thinned out... enough that it is visible to my husband (oh-shit-shocking).

Husband says I've lost less than 10% of my head hair (maybe even 5%), so it isn't too bad yet. But it is worrisome nonetheless, as it seems to be accelerating.

On Saturday I went to my doctor, who was not familiar with the idea that metoprolol can cause hair loss. I suppressed the king-size urge to tell him to Google it.

We are doing some blood and urine tests to rule out thyroid, hormonal, pituitary, infectious, and other issues. If the results come back okay, we will proceed with changing my medicine.

p.s. Hubby didn't insist on me sleeping on the couch. He said he was kidding when he agreed with my suggestion. He doesn't consider me dangerous, apparently.

Sleeping on the Couch

2009-10-25T13:38:00.003-06:00

Tonight I will be sleeping on the couch. Don't worry - I didn't earn the cold shoulder from my long-suffering husband. Nope, I am sleepwalking. Or rather, I'm doing weird stuff in my sleep.

It started a week ago. I had a dream where I was really angry with my husband, and I smacked him across the face in my dream. Except that I didn't just dream it... He woke up and kind of yelled out, which woke me up too. Since I've never done anything like that before, he instantly made up excuses as to what happened, but I was definitely guilty.

I talked about it in therapy, and the shrinks helped me understand that maybe I was acting out some buried issues. So I dealt with it and moved on, sort of.

Then a couple of nights later I dreamed that I saw a bottle of water on the bookshelf next to my husband's side of the bed. I crawled halfway across my husband and reached for it, but I couldn't get it. Which makes sense, because it didn't exist.

Later that same night, I saw my teenage daughter sitting on the floor near the foot of the bed. She was cuddling and murmuring to one of our dogs . I sat up and was going to ask her why she was up so early.

A night later, I looked at my husband in bed and saw that he had a pair of sunglasses sitting on his forehead. I thought it was peculiar, so I was going to try to take them off.

In these cases, once again my husband asked what I was doing, which woke me up.

Finally, last night in my sleep I had a strong desire to get something from my husband that he was holding. He had rolled away, and was facing away from me. He had the covers tucked under his chin. I grabbed the edge of the covers and pulled them hard. I saw the blankets drag across his neck. It looked very violent to me, in my dream. He called out in surprise.

Each time I had a strong feeling of wrongness. In all but the first experience, I was seeing my true surroundings, but with other objects superimposed. It didn't quite feel like dreaming. In my usual (strange) dreams, I usually become fully immersed in the environment, and I often believe that my dreams are reality - whether I am a 17th century male footsoldier or a little girl walking her dog!

But in these new dreams, I feel like myself, but nothing looks right. I wonder if I would wake up on my own, or if I would remember the experiences if my husband didn't wake me up? Well, tonight I will find out. But anyway, for my husband's safety I won't be sleeping with him.

I think it is caused by metoprolol, a beta blocker I've been taking for a couple of months for blood pressure and migraines. I switched to a generic version just under 2 weeks ago. I have other troublesome side effects too... But I can't talk about all of them today.

Aspie Moment #3

2009-10-16T19:29:00.004-06:00

I thought I'd share a new Aspie Moment.

<<< An aside to my 18 (woot!) regular readers:

'Aspie Moments' are not really a true category of behaviour as defined by the greater world (such as the ever-popular 'Senior Moments'), but are rather my own:

moments of extreme embarrassment, silliness, discomfort, anger, or other assorted craziness

end of aside>>>

Back to my Aspie Moment:

Just before group therapy a couple of weeks ago, I was talking to one of my fellow patients. He was a guy.

Guy: "... blah blah blah. It's still shorts-weather outside... blah blah blah..."

I'm kinda tuning him out while I listen to my iPod. Guy then approaches me and asks: "What are you listening to?"

Me: "Dancey club music. Heyyyyy.... you smell gooooood!"

Guy looks startled and backs away quickly, then talks to other people until group starts. I could kinda tell I had done something weird but I couldn't tell what it was. I asked Husband, who told me that I was flirting! What?!

Husband clarified for me that complimenting a person on their clothing or hair or other changeable things is socially okay, but complimenting a person on their body or other unchangeable things (like smell) is very personal and generally not socially acceptable... unless you are flirting.

Um, okay. Oops. But why wouldn't a person want to know if they smell good?

See my Aspie Moment #1 here and #2 here.

Therapeutic Issues

2009-10-14T20:05:00.004-06:00

Therapy has stalled out for me lately. The shrinks are trying to get me to open up about stuff, which I have been doing, but I just can't seem to muster up any emotions about any of it. Well, that's not exactly true. I vocalize how I'm feeling but I don't emotionally express myself, i.e. I don't cry or whatever.

They can tell that I am feeling something, because my eye contact tends to become less frequent and less prolonged when I am feeling strong emotions, which the psychiatrists have picked up on. Also, one of them has noted fleeting expressions on my face when I am sad - though she is frequently incorrect (she is extremely perceptive to be able to decode me at all. Most people honestly can't tell what I am feeling unless I intentionally create 'sad'/'happy'/'angry' expressions for them to see).

My co-morbid conditions make it difficult to know whether I'm suppressing my emotions due to a lack of trust (in the manner of Borderline Personality Disorder) or just having difficulty expressing emotions in a socially acceptable way (as per Asperger Syndrome). Either way, I have to get over this speedbump in order to progress in my therapy.

I believe that part of the problem may be because there are a couple of new people in my therapy group (changes tend to make me withdraw), and also that I find one of the new people highly intimidating. This new person exudes a strong presence of high status, to the degree that some participants in my group actually defer to him. Even the shrinks don't seem to challenge him like they do other people in my group. I think that this affects my feeling of safety and support, somehow.

Black Star

2009-10-06T20:00:00.004-06:00

I was reading Scientific American this month, and I encountered an article about black stars. I think I really like the idea of black stars, as opposed to black holes. Except... I really don't understand it - I read the damn article 3 times and am still very wobbly on the concept.

Black holes always seemed so extreme, like an all-or-nothing concept. There's no escape. All information is lost. The end. But black stars provide a neater, cleaner way to explain what could result from slower gravitational collapse, with no event horizon. Unlike a black hole, a black star would be composed of matter and would emit light.

Reading the article, I felt satisfaction and relief. Not that I was wary of the proposed effect of black holes, but in my extremely limited understanding I found the concept of black holes somewhat extreme and highly improbable. The theory of black stars strikes me as more practical.

But then, people fear what they don't understand, right?

(Also mentioned in the article, which deserves a "SQUEEEEEEE!": fuzzballs. Science can be cute.)

Work & Gratitude Journal VI

2009-09-21T19:14:00.006-06:00

My job is going fairly well. I got a 6 month extension on my contract, which I was working hard to obtain. It was not guaranteed I would receive the extension - for several reasons. First of all I missed too much work due to illness (multiple urinary tract infections and/or having an emotional implosion will often lead to absenteeism. Go figure.). Also my statistical performance needed work, i.e. I had too much 'not ready' time off the phones. Thirdly I was not catching on to the job very quickly during my post-training coaching period.

I fixed these issues as well as I could manage: I worked on my stats to show a fast improvement to my Team Leader, I studied during off-phone times to improve my legislative and procedural knowledge, and I reduced my absenteeism (and have now accumulated some sick leave - a far cry from using them up during my breadown and having to take unpaid leave).

Of course, it helps to have an understanding Team Leader who is willing to work with me and support me through my issues. He is very encouraging and provides honest, constructive feedback to me. He noticed I am trying really hard and he even told me that my positive attitude is coming through! Me? Positive attitude?

Anyway I feel very proud.In the next few months I will be applying to get a permanent contract, but it is very competitive and hard to obtain.

*************************************************************************************

Gratitude Journal
Today, I am grateful that I have an understanding boss.

Anger

2009-09-11T17:31:00.004-06:00

Husband said something pithy, so I thought I'd share it. As a family, we tend to suppress our negative emotions, so he was engaged in a dicussion with our child about the importance of appropriately expressing anger whilst still engaged in the applicable situation (instead of burying and internalizing the emotion).

Anyways, he said:

Anger is like pain. It is a signal that something is wrong.

It got me thinking... it's true. It is never a good idea to ignore signals from your body/mind. Of course, I get angry too often (rarely directed at the appropriate person), but that's a problem for another day!

Thicker Skin

2009-09-04T19:16:00.004-06:00

I got very frustrated at work recently. There is a person, who sits in a cubicle near me, who is generally very helpful and very kind. She is incredibly supportive and a great listener. She is very sensitive to people's health and moods; she can tell if I am sick or if I am 'off' - even my husband does not possess this level of perceptiveness!

When I first met her a several months ago, she told me that she use to work with special needs adults. Being an Aspie, I asked if she worked with any people with Asperger Syndrome, and she told me that she did.

"I'm an Aspie!" I exclaimed.

"No, you're not," she answered flatly.

I had some difficulty brushing it off, but I do understand that I do not present very obviously as a person with Asperger Syndrome. This is most likely because I've been working hard to seem as normal as possible my whole life (see my post NT Camouflage), and I took acting lessons as a teenager.

A few months later, we got talking again, and she forgot I already told her about the Aspieness. So, when the conversation turned that way, I told her again. Guess what she said? See conversation above.

After that I mostly forgot about it. She is a nice person in general, and I am working on viewing people in shades of grey instead of all-good or all-bad.

Then, about a week ago, we were talking about tinnitus. I have a pulsing sound in my ears, called pulsatile tinnitus. She has tinnitus as a traditional ringing sound. I said that I haven't ever had a ringing sound, and she said:

"You don't have tinnitus." I took the time to explain that I do have tinnitus, just not the usual kind.

I am oversensitive to perceived criticism. I always have been. I've been told I need to get a thicker skin, but that's not really helpful.

Group therapy is working for this. The therapists ask me why I give people so much power over me. It makes me stop and think about why I allow people to hurt me. They are getting me to understand the underlying reasons behind my sensitivity, and it is definitely helping.

Home Sweet Home and Gratitude Journal V

2009-08-31T14:54:00.003-06:00

For most of my 37 years, I have lived in duplexes, fourplexes, townhouses and freestanding bungalows. I lived in many locations both rural and urban, but one unifying characteristic of most of my homes was that I tended a garden.

My flower gardens were a source of pride to me. I grew most of my plants from seed, and I usually had roses of some kind. Of course, I moved around so much that I had to abandon my gardens, but in each new place the garden was a way of planting myself firmly, at least for a while. It made my houses feel like homes.

In my newest home, I haven't planted a garden. We have been here for over a year, so two gardening seasons have officially passed without any garden work from me. The first season I felt faintly guilty and told myself that I would plant a garden the second Spring. But I didn't.

I had absolutely no desire to grow anything at all this year. No urge to feel the warm soil under my hands, no unstoppable need to watch seedlings sprout. At first, I thought it was because I have been depressed since the Spring and have therefore lost my desire to partake in pleasurable hobbies. But no... I am still doing most of my hobbies, just not gardening.

Since there didn't seem to be a reason why I stopped gardening, I decided to investigate the reason why I gardened so prolifically in the first place. It turns out this perspective is more interesting anyway.

Some soul searching uncovered that for many years my life felt rootless and ephemeral. Each new house was only temporary, so I struggled to feel at home. Also, since I knew I would not be staying long, I wanted to create something that would last after my departure; some kind of mark that I was there. Hence the hardy Hansa rosebushes and tulip bulbs I left behind at each place (*cough* and the elm tree seeds I scattered in a few wooded areas near my homes *cough*).

I don't know if I'll ever do a garden again, but I do know that the compulsive desire to plant flowers is gone. I think my next home will be an apartment.

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Gratitude Journal

Today, I am grateful that sometimes, when I use a certain washroom stall at a certain time at my workplace, the seat is still up because it was just cleaned. It's an amazing feeling to use a sparkly-clean public toilet.

Music, TMI

2009-08-18T19:12:00.006-06:00

I mentioned before that I have recently been creating electronic music on a keyboard. Generating and recording music is very meditative to me. I feel sort of relaxed and calm when I create sound, but sometimes I get an almost out-of-body feeling - like my whole body is humming or vibrating along with the music.

Anyway, although I have created the music for myself, I have also posted my sad, sorry attempts at music creation on the interwebs for people to access should they desire (or should they want their ears to bleed, perhaps).

The majority of my songs are freely available according to the Creative Commons, meaning that people can listen to my music, but can also download, copy, alter or share them.

Anyways, check out my music *here* but be merciful in your opinions - I have only been creating music for 3 months, and these are my first tunes! My "band", consisting of Me/Moi/Myself, is called revolute, and I can also be found in the Facebook application iLike.

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TMI (Too Much Information)...

Remember that in June I had a Urinary Tract Infection, and then I had another one? Well, I have yet another one...

I am back on Ciprofloxacin again. I was pushing the doctor to investigate underlying causes, so we are doing a fasting blood sugar test to see if I have diabetes. I'm pretty sure I don't.

I spoke about my recurrent infections at my Group Therapy session on Monday, and the shrink pointed out that I get sick when I have a higher level of stress. I have been very very worried about my sister's health, as she got an emergency brain scan today to see if her metastatic breast cancer has invaded her brain. The group is really helping me deal with my emotional difficulties and stresses.

My Baby

2009-08-13T20:17:00.005-06:00

Today, my itty-bitty tiny baby turned 15 years old. She was born after nearly 2 days of difficult labour without any signs of distress. She entered the world with a fist held high next to her face. Everyone present considered it a sign of important things to come (no pressure though...). She does share a birthday with Fidel Casto.

She has experienced a great deal of change and some adversity in her life so far, but has proven tenacious and strong through it all. She is very intelligent and independent, with an even-keeled temperament. Her parents have never had to truly raise their voices at her, and punishment has seldom been necessary; unlike many teenagers, she listens to reason.

In future, she hopes to become a Psychiatrist or Psychologist, but we will be just as proud of her if she ends up working as a cashier at the Cold Beer Store (as was her ambition at the age of 4). I believe she will have many career paths to choose from, as she possesses talent as diverse as Mathematics, Social Studies, Art and Writing.

She diagnosed herself with dyslexia in Grade 6, and referred herself to the school counselor for assessment. This was completely unheard of in her school division and was noted in her assessment report. Since then, she has largely overcome her learning disability with hard work and diligence.

She has always made friends wherever she goes. As a small child she would walk up to other kids in the playground and say, "Hi friend." Now her friends call her the "Love" girl because she is so focused on the importance of love between friends and people in our society. I am proud to be her mom.

Employment Insurance

2009-08-07T17:19:00.004-06:00

My Canadian province has a very low rate of unemployment. In fact, through 2008, the unemployment rates were under 4% for much of the year. But things are changing. The rate has now increased to about 6.5%.

So what does this mean, in terms of my job? Well, I work in a government call centre that is closely affiliated with the Canadian Employment Insurance program. The higher unemployment rates have meant that the number of people receiving Employment Insurance benefits in my province increased by over 200% between May 2008 and 2009.

Please correct my faulty math, but it seems to me that a 100% increase would be a doubling of recipients, so a 200% increase would mean... a tripling of recipients?

It was the highest increase of all the Canadian provinces, however it is not an accurate reflection of our provincial economy in general (there is still a very low unemployment rate here - lower than the country's average)... but it is definitely a reflection of how things are worsening rapidly for many people, especially in the manufacturing, construction, retail / wholesale trade, professional /technical / scientific services, and natural resources sectors.

It almost seems like my province was the last to feel the economic downturn. This is old news everywhere else, but very recent and imminent here. And my job is very, extremely, busy.

CN Police

2009-08-03T16:29:00.002-06:00

I learned something important a couple of nights ago. CN Rail has their own police force, with the right to detain, arrest, and ticket trespassers. In fact, just FYI - up to $1000 in tickets can be issued. To each person caught trespassing in the trainyards. Turns out it is a federal offense to trespass on CN land.

Well, perhaps some people were trying to get close to the trains to record certain sounds for electronic music, for example. And maybe it took about 30 seconds for a CN Police car to descend upon the hapless musician and her (now very angry) husband.

At that point the cop may have felt sorry for the clueless musician and just handed out a $287 ticket. That musician didn't manage to get very good sounds in the 60 seconds she managed to record, either. *cough*.

I Like to Laugh

2009-08-01T19:36:00.003-06:00

I have a bunch of funny websites I like to visit, so I thought I'd share them here for anyone who needs a good laugh. I'm sure most of them are familiar, but maybe some are new to you:

FMyLife - reader-contributed anecdotes
It's Lovely! I'll Take It! - shocking, authentic, real estate photos
Clothed Minds - captions added to old pattern envelopes
Cracked - funnier that the mag, imho
Engrish Funny - bad engrish, often NSFW
List of the Day - lists and funny videos. The comments are as funny as the posts sometimes
Cheesehead Displacement Syndrome - a guy with a knack for words and a funny perspective
PhotoShop Disasters - all computer-modified, and all appalling
Funny or Die - un-politically-correct videos. Check out drunk history
This is Photobomb - someday, you'll see me here... who doesn't want to crash a posed photo?
Cakewrecks - here are professional cakes with mistakes

I actually check most of these out on a daily basis... I apparently have a great need to laugh often and copiously.

Vampire?

2009-07-28T19:11:00.005-06:00

A word about my fishybelly-white paleness, as seen in my self-portraits. In my youth I cultivated a gloriously sickly pale skin tone in my pursuit of the ultimate vampire style (as per goth standards of the 1980s). I met my husband at the height (depth?) of this pursuit, and he still prefers me at my palest.

However, I grew out of that phase and over the years I started to appreciate a bit of sun. Not too much sun, as I am naturally very fair, but a bit of healthy colour looks, well, healthy.

Then... over the last few years I developed a sun allergy. After more than 5 minutes of direct sunlight (or 15 minutes of indirect sunlight), I would get an itchy rash on exposed skin. Over the course of the summer, my skin would toughen and get sort of calloused in areas of repeated exposure. In the winter my skin would slowly improve, as long as I avoided too much sunlight.

Naturally I used sunscreen (Coppertone Oil Free SPF 30 or 45), but it was not very effective at preventing my reaction. This summer I tried a new product that finally helped (Neutrogena Sensitive Skin SPF 60). It is a physical sunscreen, as opposed to a chemical sunscreen, which means that it creates a thick pasty barrrier that prevents the sun from reaching the skin.

The downside of this cream is that it seems to make my skin sweat. A lot. Another negative is that it rubs off on everything I touch. The upside is the elimination of the itching, the rash and the thickened skin. It is a toss-up as to whether my pale pale skin is a positive or negative result!

Echoes from my Dad

2009-07-26T14:12:00.004-06:00

The strangest thing happened today. I had Facebook inbox messages from 2007 suddenly reappear after a long absence. Apparently Facebook had some issues or a privacy dispute, because I had a few messages missing for at least a year, replaced by an error saying that they could not be displayed.

The messages were from people I am not longer 'friends' with - one person whom I defriended... and my dad, whose Facebook account was deleted by my mom after he died.

Well, seeing my dad's message was like a message from beyond the grave (he passed away in February of 2008). I keep a couple of his emails in my Hotmail inbox, but this was a note I had long forgotten about. I decided to post it here, because it reflects my dad's personality so utterly.

The backstory is that his profile picture was an image of him as a 1950s greaser (I believe it is the picture above), taken in a photo booth. I posted on his Facebook wall that I thought he looked cute, so he replied, with the subject line Not CUTE - TOUGH:

When I was a teenager the quest was to be a "hard rock" with our collars up and our attitudes set to surly. We thought we had it right when the parents didn't trust us with their daughters and most adults just cursed us.

Therapy and Gratitude Journal IV

2009-07-22T09:29:00.005-06:00

I got accepted into group therapy, which I will be starting on Monday of next week. I originally thought the therapy would be geared towards teaching social skills, but no; I will be confronting all of my psychological issues past and present, and thereby (hopefully) improving my personal relationships and work life.

On Tuesday I met with one of the group's leaders for my pre-screening interview. It was a difficult meeting, as I wanted to make sure I seemed crazy enough to be accepted into the group, while not so crazy as to be considered potentially disruptive. The group leader I met is a very capable and no-nonsense psychiatrist. Somehow, he already seemed to discern my coping mechanisms and avoidance strategies (and he called me out on them), so I imagine it will be a very eye-opening experience!

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Gratitude Journal
Today, I am grateful for ibuprofen. Seriously, modern medicine kicks ass. Enough said.

Self-Portraits

2009-07-18T14:48:00.006-06:00

I recently had a bad experience, but I'll spare you the gory details. It's complicated. However, the experience shocked me into finally consciously realizing how I think about myself. I have been thinking that I am truly worthless.

I always knew I had low self-esteem. Really, is it possible to be depressed and have HIGH self-esteem? For the last few years, with the guidance of a psychiatrist I used to visit, I tried to counteract this by repeating positive affirmations on a daily basis. Supposedly, a person will start to believe these things if they repeat them often enough. Evidently, this hasn't worked for me.

I guess I hadn't realized just how terribly I think of myself. This has to change, because if I believe these bad things about myself, then other people will agree. And that is not right.

I need to prove to myself that I am not actually worthless. I need to heal myself.

Today, I decided to take some portrait photos of myself. Honestly, I never thought I was worth the trouble. It isn't that I thought I was hideously ugly - I do think I clean up okay. It's just that I thought I was not worthwhile in general.

Ever since I had my first camera at age 12, I've shot portraits of other people. I would use the camera to try to capture something special about them - so the world could see the beauty that i perceived. I am a pretty good photographer, so I think the results would be fairly decent.

So I went to all the trouble I would go to for someone else: planned it all out, wore my favourite outfit, did my hair and makeup, and took lots of shots to have my choice of the best. My camera doesn't have a timer, so it was very hard to set up (hence no full-length pictures), but I am pleased with the results. I took a few with flash and a few without, but I like both.

Here are my results:

Good News, Healthwise

2009-07-11T14:43:00.003-06:00

As I mentioned once before, I have been working at losing weight over the last year. Well, sort of. Mostly, I'm working at not being fat anymore (important distinction, at least to me).

My current BMI/body mass index is 34.7, down from 45 or 46. I didn't really weigh myself at the start of this process, but I know I was at least that size. Initially I was losing about 1 kg/2 lbs per week, but it has slowed down to about half that, which is still fine - too fast would not be healthy.

The emotional issues I have worked through are pretty boring to read about, so I won't dredge them up on my blog, but I thought I would share my biggest, most successful on-the-spot food resistance strategy. Resisting the temptation to overeat is tough, because obviously food is necessary for survival, but also because overeating seems to happen unconsciously. I've had to learn to override my unconscious eating.

I had an epiphany one day when I realized that existence largely seems to occur as a series of memories. Although we technically live in the present moment, that moment itself is fleeting and itself becomes part of a constant stream of memories. Memories are by definition past tense, and we filter the 'now' through the veil of those recollections.

In terms of food, a person knows how a given food tastes because they have a stored memory of the flavour. Therefore, when a person craves a food item, they are craving an experience to match a memory.

When a individual eats that certain food again, they are comparing the present flavour and texture to the memory. This new experience is fleeting, and quickly passes... back into memory.

What I'm trying to express is the idea that food cravings are largely based upon an already-existent memory. If a person eats the food now, the actual taste lasts for only a short period of time, and eating the food again doesn't add anything new or valuable to that recollection. Yes, it tastes good, but the person is aware of that because the food has been eaten before.

So, this helps me to put cravings in perspective. I remind myself that in 5 minutes, the food will just be a memory again, so why bother? Better just to keep it as a pleasant memory and feel proud of resisting it, instead of adding guilt to the experience.

Sometimes I still eat what I am craving, but I have a secondary strategy for that situation. Eating a large quantity of a food item does not improve the current taste experience, nor does it improve the future flavour memory. So I just eat a bit.

It also helps that I've been getting regular exercise. I walk about 5 km, three or more times a week. As an added bonus, this has completely eliminated the pain in my hips and back (was diagnised as arthritis) as well as a 10-year problem of tendinitis in my feet. Hopefully these results will last.

As a side note, and just because I can never be 100% satisfied with anything, I have to note that I still have the same degree of high blood pressure that I had at the start of my journey - 63lbs ago. Exercise and weight loss can't always trump hereditary conditions...

Dynamic Weather and Gratitude Journal III

2009-07-08T20:04:00.003-06:00

Today, we had a tornado watch in my city. Not quite a warning, but a watch, and a funnel cloud was spotted to the Northwest of us. So I watched and watched through the windows behind me. I work on the 7th floor of a building on the edge of downtown so there is a good view of the sky...

But we didn't get the tornado. However the clouds did throw down some hail. I love hail!

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Gratitude Journal

Today, I am grateful for hail. Hail indicates peculiar, dynamic weather, which I adore for the excitement and uncertainty it brings. Really, hail is summertime ice...

Music Software

2009-07-04T10:17:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago, just after one of my lowest lows, when I was beginning an upswing but needed a boost... I bought myself a music keyboard.

I'm one of those people that actually thinks in song lyrics, and music has always been fixed in the core of my being. Luckily, I am also an Aspie, which in my case means I happen to have extremely good pitch (to hear/play, not to sing) and very accurate rhythm.

So how come I didn't take up music before? I'm not sure, except that it costs money and I was fearful my songs would be terrible. I also figured it's something for youthful people to embark on, and at 37 I am officially in the clutches of middle age.

Well, so far my music IS terrible, but I am only starting out, so I am not letting it discourage me! I have been creating electronica, and have cut three full-length tunes to date. No singing though. Even if I could sing, I don't have a decent microphone.

Creating the songs can almost be an out-of-boy experience at times. When I am laying down a track, and hearing the progress through the speakers, I feel like I am really part of the music, with the sound flowing through my body. My whole self feels like it is vibrating or oscillating at the same frequency as the sound.

Anyways, I need some advice from anyone who knows something about music software. Along with the keyboard I got a free trial of Ableton, and my time is nearly used up. A full registration costs $700 US.... Seriously. Being broke, I am looking for less-costly alternatives.

In the past I also tried GarageBand on someone's Mac, and I am vaguely familiar with Cakewalk. Anyone out there have any advice?

Happiness?

2009-07-02T20:26:00.003-06:00

Husband and I were talking about happiness the other day. I got to thinking about what happiness really is.

I used to strive to be happy, but over the years my attitude shifted. I don't see happiness as a real goal anymore. Not to say that I don't think I'll ever feel glad, or satisfied, or contented... But happiness as a goal seems less realistic now. I don't really see anyone as truly happy, I suppose.

Like, people are constantly working towards the next big purchase, or their next big career move, or their next love, or towards something else that is supposed to bring that elusive happiness. But all that those things seem to offer is more discontentment.

When I start feeling like I am not satisfied with my current state of affairs, I remind myself that external things can't create happiness. But that generates a subsequent problem whereby I realize that nothing can really create happiness inside of me...

And out of some peculiar, twisted logic, my brain has somehow decided that happiness doesn't actually exist. It is bolstered by the fact that I don't really see happiness in other people either.

Husband has expressed the opinion that my thinking is either highly evolved... or highly depressed. He may be right with the second idea.

Fallen, Arisen

2009-06-26T19:52:00.008-06:00

I guess it's finally time to talk about my recent problems. Can't really keep avoiding it, and I have fund that blogging is generally pretty cathartic, so it may actually help me.

I'm sure that if you have met me, or have read this blog at all, you would know that I have been on an assortment of anti-depressants such as Effexor for anxiety and major depression.

Well, I recently tried a bunch of different ones but I couldn't handle the side effects. I knew I probably needed to take something, but I was enjoying that my life was mostly med-free. Colours looked brighter, I was more energetic, my chronic headaches had ceased, and other things improved as well.

But then things got bad. Life's small difficulties became difficult to handle, not to mention my troubles when bigger problems actually surfaced.

So I finally broke down about 3 weeks ago. I tend to use the word "cracked" to describe my mental process at the time. I started crying at work and could not stop. I became impulsive, irresponsible, anxious and extremely depressed. I also felt a strong physical need to escape - a sensation of nausea and panic.

I had to stop working for a while. I received emergency therapy from The Support Network, got a prescription for clonazepam and went for a half-day assessment at the University of Alberta Hospital's Department of Psychiatry. I was seen by two psychologists and a psychiatrist at that assessment.

It helped a lot. I am now taking Celexa, which is working... somewhat..

The hardest part was that I got a new diagnosis in addition to Asperger Syndrome. Because of my particular symptoms, and because a loved one was once diagnosed with this disorder, I was found to have Borderline Personality Disorder* (her diagnosis has since changed, but my list of family mental issues, past and present, included this disorder).

*EDIT: My later shrink s that this may be a misdiagnosis, and I only meet a few of the criteria. But it got me the help I needed when I needed it.

The psychologist considered that I may instead have Bipolar Disorder, as the two disorders present similarly and are often mistaken for each other, but I did not express the full set of symptoms.

In order to help me with my social skills and to to learn how to develop healthy relationships with people, in a few weeks I will probably be starting group therapy called Interactions. It interferes with my work as it runs in the mornings from 11 a.m. to noon, but I was able to switch my work shift to 1 to 9 p.m. - at least temporarily - so I won't lose money. There are other group therapy options, but they are either full day programs or 4 hours/4 evenings a week.

In the meantime, at my 2 week follow-up appointment, the psychologist was shocked at how much progress I had already made. I am:

back at work after only about a week absent
off the tranquilizers
engaged in creative endeavours (without being obsessed)
taking 5 km walks to relax, several times a week
not crying very much
feeling calmer and less anxious

But I am asking the psychiatrist to review the meds at my next meeting as the side effects are nearly unbearable...

A Strange Dream, and Gratitude Journal II

2009-06-18T18:49:00.004-06:00

The Dream

I am back on antidepressants as per my psychiatrist's orders, so naturally I am having peculiar dreams again. I am now talking Celexa (citralopram).

A couple of nights ago I dreamed I had to have a dental procedure done, and in preparation I needed to remove my 'skull mask'. The skull mask was the front part of my skull, which could somehow be slid out from under the skin.

It came out of my face cleanly, with no bleeding, and somehow it didn't hurt at all. I inspected it closely after I took it out. It looked exactly like the front of a skull, and included part of my bottom jaw and teeth. My eye sockets were missing the back part, and instead were just holes... like a mask.

I recall noticing and curiously poking the foramina (holes in bones through which blood vessels and nerves pass), particularly the infraorbital foramen. I had never consciously thought about these openings before, and I remember that I briefly considered their purpose in my dream. I also closely inspected a cavity that one of my teeth is actually developing.

I was worried that my face could be damaged while the skull mask was out, and I was scared to touch my face in case it felt strange. However, I looked normal in the mirror...

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Gratitude Journal

Today, I am grateful that we had some down time (a.k.a. 'green time') between calls at the call centre.

Sick. Again.

2009-06-10T18:00:00.000-06:00

Well, remember the kidney and bladder infections I had recently? The bladder infection is back. The doctor didn't even bother to consult with me when the results came in - he just left a prescription at the counter for me to pick up.

It is Ciprofloxacin, but at a stronger dosage than I took before, and this round will be 7 days instead of the recommended 3 to 5 for bladder infections. I am concerned because renal problems can be caused by this drug, and I am already worried about my kidneys...

When I saw the doctor I tried to insist on an ultrasound of my urinary tract, but first he wanted to see if I still have an infection. And I do, sigh. So after it is cleared up I will ask again, if necessary.

Gratitude Journal I (my way)

2009-06-09T19:29:00.004-06:00

I saw a counsellor recently who was helping me to find strategies to get through my worst days. And there are a lot of very bad days right now.

One suggestion was to create a gratitude journal. Well, I'm not going to fuss around creating a new blog or using, *gasp*, paper, so I am going to incorporate this idea into my existing blog.

I am irritated and bored by the idea of effusively expressing thankfulness for those things that I am already extremely grateful for. I have a loving family, wonderful friends, a supportive husband and fantastic daughter. I am always aware of - and thankful for - these things.

Instead, I am going to create occasional blog posts about the little things that make me happy, or those things that take me by surprise in a wonderful way.

Today, I am grateful for having a pharmacist who remembers me. He is therefore comfortable around me and will make jokes about potential causes and cures for my illnesses. This makes me feel less anonymous, and I am grateful.

Sick, sicker... but not the sickest I could be

2009-06-07T13:15:00.004-06:00

I've been sick. About 2 months ago I got a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) in my bladder ad received a prescription for antibiotics. Well, the bacteria were resistant to the attack and they regrouped for an attack on my kidneys about a month ago. Not cool.

I ended up with a severe kidney infection for about 3 weeks and missed 10 days of work. I was out of sick days and would try to go into work for a day and would naturally end up sicker by the end of the day... if I managed to work until the end of the day.

I had a fever, nausea, extreme weakness, fatigue and chills. The doctor didn't know what it was and he figured a virus, but he sent me for blood and urine tests anyways. I pretty much insisted on the tests because I don't get feverish with viruses very often.

Well, apparently I had a shocking amount of white blood cells in my urine. What was strange was that I had no urinary tract symptoms, with the exception of delayed urination (not sure the technical word. Urination takes a long time to commence). The doctor gave me different antibiotics. After a few days I was retested, which showed my white blood cell count went extremely low. Thankfully the antibiotics seemed to work so he didn't have had to hospitalize me.

I was still sick with all of the symptoms and still had a slight fever after a few days. The doctor figured that the kidney infection may have been a red herring, in a sense, and that a virus was causing most of my symptoms. That may be the case.

Interestingly, my symptoms are now all gone except for the delayed urination. I may request an ultrasound of the whole urinary tract to make sure nothing got damaged.

Hypolexian

2009-05-06T20:22:00.002-06:00

I'd like to write something witty or insightful or even... slightly interesting... but lately I am hypolexian... Too tired from work...

Experience at the Doctor

2009-04-25T17:35:00.003-06:00

I went to the Dr. today. I needed to get a new kind of antidepressant, as the Cipralex had some unacceptable side effects. I'll refrain from offering details at the risk of giving too much information! If you are interested in knowing, for some reason, leave me a note and I'll tell you.

Also, I needed some more of the lowest-dose Effexor, as I am still weaning myself off of it. I am down to the lowest dose once every 2 or 3 days, but I have been a little rough as I have decreased it. So far, just shaking, coldness, and nausea... but if I go more than 3 days, I get brain zaps/brain shocks.

I am now trying Cymbalta. I'll let you know how that goes.

I also asked about my bruising and itching from the liquor last weekend. He was NOT concerned about my liver, thank goodness (gotta stop researching on the interwebs). However, he thinks I had an adverse reaction to either the liquor or the mix. I drank rum & coke, and had a couple of shots of tequila that night. Well, I guess I won't be doing too much drinking in the future, unless it was the sodapop I reacted to (okay, not too likely)...

It was a good experience at the doctor. He introduced me to a new model of health care, where he obtained a holistic view of my lifestyle, exercise and diet, and talked to me about my health goals. He printed out a kind of health summary and wellness plan and we both signed it. I really like this idea.

Alcohol

2009-04-19T20:18:00.002-06:00

I quit drinking when I was 20 years old. I had started throwing up blood after one particular bender, and it scared the crap out of me. Really, I just drank on the weekends, but my body couldn't seem to handle it very well.

Over the last 16 years I would occasionally have a couple of drinks - maybe a handful of times. Also, last year I tried to start drinking one or two alcoholic beverages a night to help my blood pressure, but I didn't like the faintly fuzzy feeling it gave me, so I gave it up.

Well, a couple of nights ago I went out drinking. I was celebrating the completion of my training course with a couple of work friends...

I probably had about 10 oz of rum over the course of 5 hours - not too extreme, anyway - and I didn't even get particularly tipsy. The next day I was very tired and a tiny bit shaky, but no real hangover.

What I did wonder about was some mysterious bruising in places where my skin is thinner, and very bad head-to-toe muscle aches. I didn't hurt myself, and I definitely wasn't drunk enough to forget anything. Also, I was extremely itchy all night - it woke me up several times.

I was perplexed enough about it that I did a (much-aligned) interwebs search. Apparently, these can sometimes be symptoms of cirrhosis of the liver. Obviously, I am NOT a candidate for this condition, but it did give me pause. Do some people have difficulty metabolizing alcohol when compared to others?

My husband pointed out that I take various meds that probably decrease my body's ability to properly handle liquor. I think he may be right. At any rate, I think I should probably make rum an infrequent beverage.

Life, Improved

2009-04-14T20:23:00.004-06:00

I have been experiencing some recent improvements, and I wanted to share some of my positive progress.

At my new job, I have made a few... friends. Yes, friends. It's hard to believe, but I have carved quite a niche there. I even tried to discourage one person from being my friend by warning him that I am periodically antisocial on a random basis, have very little empathy, can be blunt or even mean, and that I am peculiar in my fixations.... and he refused to stop being my friend!

People give me lots of space to be alone, but they are still welcoming to me if I feel able to socialize. It's quite amazing, really! Maybe they just pity me, but it feels great to be able to talk to them anyway.

Some of my coworkers have the same interests as me. One girl loves birds, there are a couple of computer nerds, someone knows tons of stuff about natural medicine and health, and lots of people love to joke around. I spend a lot of time laughing every day. Of course, it will be different once I'm busier and taking calls on the phone all day, but this work group has a blast sending hilarious rapid-fire emails back and forth during spare moments.

My husband says I'm walking more confidently and that I seem happier than I have in years, maybe, even, happier than ever. My daughter is shocked that I am socializing at all. Not bad for an Aspie!

Interestingly, I started taking a new antidepressant a few weeks ago, as Effexor wasn't working for me anymore. The Dr. reduced my Effexor to a very tiny dose (slow tapering to avoid discontinuation syndrome again) and prescribed Cipralex. However, the side effects were intolerable, so I stopped the Cipralex... and I'm still okay.

My personality and physiology are a bit different from whilst I was on a full dosage of antidepressants, but the changes are manageable so far. I've become a bit ADHD and jittery, and I have lost my appetite (a good thing, actually), I can't sleep much at night, and I have a near-constant headache (3 weeks so far), but my mood and attitude have actually improved... Weird, but I'm enjoying it so far.

**********************************

NOTE: Thanks for all of your insightful comments on my last blog post - it was all very helpful! I wanted to reassure you that I am not falling apart on a regular basis; in fact I haven't really broken down that completely since the day of my dad's death. I'm not dwelling on it - I just had some unresolved issues and needed to collapse for a while.

For My Dad

2009-04-09T17:15:00.006-06:00

I had a very difficult day at work today. I work in a government call centre. My father worked in a large tech call centre, until he retired shortly before his death last year in February. I kind of knew that I was bound to run into somebody who knew him, sooner or later.

There is a girl I am training with (coincidentally she will also be in my work group after training, with the same team leader) who called my dad a friend. They worked side-by-side on the same night shift for about 10 months in 2003. She left that call centre, but they stayed in contact for a period of time afterward.

This was a unique opportunity to see my very private father from a different point of view so I asked her some questions about him. She remembers him very clearly and told some stories about him.

At first this coworker thought he was cranky (well, he was called Grumpa by his grandkids), but after a while she warmed to him. He loved to tell jokes, and they'd watch movies on their computers between calls to stay awake. He had no problems asking her about her Islamic faith, and he even discussed female health problems with her when he saw she was searching on the internet.

He was extremely helpful on the phone. The phone agents were supposed to spend only 10 minutes on the phone for every call, but he would spend as long as he needed with the caller until the problem was fixed. She could tell he was extremely intelligent, and he caught on very quickly during training.

My dad told her stories about his past jobs, like working as a salesperson, electronics technician, cab driver and boxer, as well as spending time in the navy. He talked of building computers and getting repeatedly shocked while fixing electronics. He spoke of being in a teenage gang of greasers and about his childhood family. The stories were the same as I remembered.

Finally, I had to ask her if he talked about us - his daughters, his wife, his grandchildren. He had mentioned that he has a daughter in Ontario (one of my sisters), and he once spoke of his wife when he needed to leave work early for an emergency. That was it - all he ever said about his family.

Truly, I found this devastating. I knew my father was private and would not have divulged much about us, but during this period of time I was highly successful and experiencing lots of change. During this time, I graduated from University, got my first teaching job, and moved to a First Nations Reserve in a remote location in Northern Alberta. But this is how my dad was.

After I talked to my coworker, I managed to get through the second half of our morning, then I completely fell apart. I could not stop crying. I had to go home at lunch, but I was so muddled I couldn't figure out my bus schedule and had difficulty comprehending the steps I needed to take to get home. Thankfully, a kind coworker came across me in this state and assisted me in plotting my route.

I went home and slept for a couple of hours, which helped a bit. I'm slightly calmer now, but I strained my chest muscles and diaphragm from crying so much and my head is throbbing. It hurts to breathe. At least I have a long weekend to recover.

I apologize for this very long post, but I really needed to talk about this. At the bottom of this post I included the lyrics of a blues song that reminds me of my dad, and you can click on the play button on this widget to listen to it:

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

************************

Shiver Me Timbers
Tom Waits

I'm leavin' my fam'ly
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
On a new front page sky
My tears are salt water
And the moon's full and high

And I know Martin Eden's
Gonna be proud of me
And many before me
Who've been called by the sea
To be up in the crow's nest
Singin' my say
Shiver me Timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me, now.
So swallow me, don't follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter
'n I'm gonna skip like a stone

So please call my missus
Gotta tell her not to cry
'Cause my goodbye is written
By the moon in the sky
Hey and nobody knows me
I can't fathom my stayin'
Shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me
So come and swallow me, follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter
'n I'm gonna skip like a stone

And I'm leavin' my family
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
Upon a new front page sky
And shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

Self-Injury and Self-Sabotage

2009-04-07T10:37:00.007-06:00

So, I have delicate skin that scars easily. Over the last few months, I've been doing a lot of sewing and hence a lot of pressing and lots of seam ripping. Also, my husband started working at a place that required pressed shirts, so when I was unemployed I always ironed his shirts for him (not while I'm working, sorry).

Have I mentioned that I'm also very clumsy? Very, very clumsy. These factors led to my current assortment of multiple burn and cut scars on my hands and arms. I also have a bunch of lingering childhood scars that add to the overall impression of self-injury.

I am hypersensitive about this, so I make sure to go to job interviews with long sleeves. I mentioned it to my husband and daughter, saying that, "I don't want to look like a cutter."

Their response: "Well, are you? Cutting yourself?" Uh, no. But it does look that way. I was shocked they would think that about me.

In a related thought, I am definitely guilty of self-sabotage. If things are going too well, I seem to think it must be time to move to a new location, or change jobs, or start making things difficult between my husband and I. Stability feels scary and boring.

Even if I don't outright sabotage myself, I will engage in increasingly risky behaviour to see how far I can push things before everything turns to shambles. I have no idea why I do this.

The Dandy Warhols

2009-03-31T12:27:00.006-06:00

A bunch of years ago (10 or so), my husband introduced me to The Dandy Warhols. I have been absolutely infatuated with them ever since. They have the kind of music and lyrics that persuade the listener to be swept off in a wistful cloud of imagination.

Some Dandy Warhols songs are easier to objectively interpret (such as Bohemian Like You) than others (such as Mohammed), but I belive a songwriter's best songs are the ones that allow the listener to project personal meaning and importance into them.

The Dandy Warhols have made some hilarious/controversial choices, such as playing the songs of one concert in successive stages of undress until finally exposing themselves to the audience (I saw this in the documentary DiG and can't remember if they stripped completely naked or not). I'm not a big fan of gratuitous nudity, but their choice was highly symbolic and made sense, somehow.

My favourite song by the Dandy Warhols is You Were The Last High:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8L6fJRoTEk (not sure if this link will work - I'll check it later).

To me, it speaks of the choice to become a celebrity performer, and the effect of fame and traveling on love and relationships. It doesn't actually relate to anything at all in my life, but I love the song anyway.

Freedom! Well, sorta.

2009-03-20T22:46:00.005-06:00

I had a sudden realization today. It's not profound or even terribly interesting, but it's of great importance to me. I realized that:

Since I stopped teaching, I don't have to be the most professional, best dressed, most grown-up person in the room anymore!

At work, I can be much more relaxed and honest with my image and personality, as opposed to trying to maintain that horrid mask-like persona of teacherly perfection. It really wasn't ME. As an Aspie, it was particularly hard to keep up that image.

That's not to say that I will slack off at work, or dye my hair blue (again); I will always be a dedicated, outstanding employee who doesn't break the dress code (well, not too much). But at my new job I don't have to worry so much about my image giving the wrong impression and I won't have to be answerable for the behaviour and performance of an entire room!

We are encouraged to remember that we are representatives of the Canadian Government, but the standards are more forgiving than the expectations in the teaching profession.

I always strive to do top-notch work at my jobs, but I finally get to be Vicki again, instead of Mrs. P. In some ways, I really miss teaching, but today I see some advantages in leaving the profession.

p.s. As an aside, my Service Canada call centre is hiring in the Edmonton area if anyone is interested...

Family Blogs

2009-03-18T12:51:00.013-06:00

A while ago , when I was presenting recipients with my Uber Amazing Blog Awards, I mentioned that I thought it imprudent to select my family members to receive awards, but I promised to have a special post to introduce my blogalicious family at some future date. Well, the future is now, so here's the Fam Damily:

Chantelle's Blog (my sister), whose blog serves as a "place for to talk about life, hobbies, and living with metastatic breast cancer". Yes, my sister has advanced breast cancer and it breaks my heart every day. She blogs about her health, her experiences and also her hobbies.
Bean's Path (my sister), where you can find daily excitement, hobbies, opinions, and book reviews... all from the unique perspective of a person living with Bipolar Disorder. As she is neither delusional nor suicidal, she has chosen to be med-free, which provides a raw and unfiltered perspective of her ups and downs.
Tibcat (my mother), who blogs about life as a widow. She chronicles the struggles and triumphs related to her everyday life, her psychiatric disorder, and carving out a new existence after surviving a spouse.
Worms and Dirt with a little Sugar and Spice (my sister-in-law), who writes about her family and friends, as well as the fun and insanity of having two preschool boys at home. She's also an avid scrapbooker.
California Cat Lady (my aunt), lives far away in California, and blogs about her post-retirement life, hobbies and knitting.
Writer's Musings (my daughter), started her blog to keep extended family updated on her news and musings when she lived far away from them. Now, she occasionally posts something new, but she is much busier than she was. She likes to write about culture, anime, and school.

Well, that's it for my family, except for my husband's infrequent jabs at blogging. He has a couple of blogs started, but likes to keep his writings private from people who actually know him... Kinda funny, but that's him.

You can take a dog out of the Rez...

2009-03-15T15:34:00.003-06:00

... but you can't get the Rez out of the dog. Our loving, needy, sweet dog Molly ran away on Friday night. She had a 24 hour adventure before we got her home.

When I first met Molly, she was a starving dog who belonged to one of my students on a First Nations Reserve in remote Northern Alberta. She would eat rose hips from bushes to stave off starvation in the winter, and spent the coldest nights under my doorstep.

She's a mutt, but both she and her mother look like miniature Golden Retrievers, and I think her father may have been a Labrador or Golden Retriever. She has always been an alpha female, and she would teach all of the dogs on the Rez how to playfight. She will still mark her territory by lifting her leg up, and big dogs don't intimidate her.

When I first met her, Molly had a litter of 4 puppies outside, but she wasn't eating enough to sustain them and so they all died. I was feeding her sporadically, but she didn't get regular meals until she lived under my step. When the temperatures fell to -48 Celsius, I finally brought her into my house.

Before we had a chance to get her spayed, she went into heat again and had a litter of 8 more puppies. These ones were born in my closet so they were healthy and fat. I had a problem figuring out what to do with them, because it would have been their death sentence to give them out on this Reserve; animal neglect was rampant, especially once dogs outgrew their baby cuteness. I also didn't want to pick favourites amongst my students.

People were starting to get angry that I wasn't giving the dogs away to the children, so I needed to get them off Reserve a little earlier than anticipated. There isn't an SPCA anywhere near where we lived, so the next time my husband took a trip to Edmonton (7 hours away), he took the puppies to the SPCA there. Unfortunately the pups were only 4 weeks old and were still nursing, so Molly had to go to the SPCA too. We promised to come pick her up in a few weeks - once the puppies were weaned.

The SPCA didn't actually believe we'd come and get Molly until we actually did come back and adopt her. They loved her at the SPCA! The good news was that Molly was now spayed, so no more puppies! Plus she had a microchip, which helped city workers to find her home.

When Molly escaped our yard, it was the second time since we moved here in August. If the back gate isn't closed tightly, she can push it open. And she does. Of course, my family always closes it, but we have another family living downstairs...

Last Friday evening we drove around looking for her, with no luck. Finally, I posted her picture and information at PetLynx, which is a kind of lost & found for pets. On Saturday afternoon, I got a call from the city pound. Someone had found our dog wandering on a busy road about a mile away from our house and took her to the emergency vet (standard procedure for after-hours strays).

Of course, I was worried she was hurt, so the city worker read me the health report: "Molly has some dental problems and is a bit overweight." (heeheeheehee, better fat than skinny).

NT Camouflage

2009-03-12T17:45:00.004-06:00

Lately I've been considering the good & bad aspects of autism diagnosis. In my opinion, having had a late diagnosis of my Aspie-ness gives me a different perspective than someone who was diagnosed in childhood. I'm not sure which way is better.

One aspect is that it is very hard to get a solid, definitive diagnosis in adulthood. My past psychiatrist ascertained that I definitely have a developmental disability, but he would not (could not?) narrow the category to a more specific disability. Psychologists will perform testing for approximately $2000 (hmmm I wonder if my federal government benefits would cover it?) so that is out of my reach.

If you've ever researched or checked out a list of developmental disabilities, you'd see that many of them are quite debilitating, so the majority of them probably don't exactly apply to me. I am able to work, I have an above-average IQ, and I can walk and talk normally. I later talked to my medical doctor about my disability, and he agreed that Asperger Syndrome is most likely.

I didn't have this diagnosis until age 34 or so. Obviously I always knew I was different, and people have always noticed I'm weird - with peculiar interests and oddities.

For instance, I have exactly zero real-life (i.e. non-facebook, non-blogger, non-relative, non-work) friends. Seriously, none. It doesn't make me sad or anything, although sometimes I make a connection with someone and wish the friendship could work out. It never does manage to work out, even if I actually put in the effort on some rare occasion (remember the friend I made at the testing session for my job? Yeah, well, never mind. I've been culled. Whatever.).

So anyway, I spent the majority of my life wishing I was normal and trying to fit into a NT mould (NT= neurotypical /"normal"). I was an antisocial, irritable, sensitive, depressed individual attempting to flourish in an unforgiving society - without any knowledge that there could be other weirdos like me out there somewhere...

I am pretty good at camouflaging myself so that I don't stand out too much, but sometimes I wish I could carry a sign: Aspie Alert! I like being unique, but I hate it when people seem to get frustrated and irritated with me right away, before I have a chance to explain myself. I get on people's nerves a lot.

If I had been diagnosed as a child, I wonder if I would feel as much pressure to conform to society's norms in adulthood, or if I would feel more freedom to just be myself...

Work, Rest

2009-03-07T12:00:00.003-07:00

My new job with Service Canada is going really well! I just finished 10 days of our 7 weeks of training. For our training we have 2 fat binders of handouts, weekly tests, and job shadowing.

There are 16 of us training together, and we are a mixed bag. There are a bunch of transferred government employees, recent university graduates, a few commercial call centre veterans and 4 teachers (mostly ESL teachers with foreign experience).

I feel very fortunate that I was included in this training group, as I estimate that a minimum of 150 people were shortlisted, and about 75 were interviewed. I don't know how many were finally added to the hiring pool, but we were the first training group. Another group started a few days later, but they consisted entirely of candidates who transferred from another department in the office.

The Government of Canada promotes Employment Equity (similar to Affirmative Action in the United States), so 31% of our training class identifies with various visible minority groups, 69% are women, and 6% are disabled (just me, that I am aware of). All of us met or exceeded the posted requirements for education and experience, so our self-identification may have given us some priority in the hiring pool, but didn't lower the standards for hiring.

Naturally, I've been ill for the entire time! My daughter was sick a couple of weeks ago, and then her parents, logically, caught it a week later. It isn't quite a cold, but not severe enough to be a flu.

My daughter said something funny about my illness though: "Anything you feel when you start a new job has nothing to do with actual sickness." Meaning that I'm so stressed out that I make myself sick! True.

Friday Frivolity

2009-02-20T15:52:00.005-07:00

In the spirit of silliness...

I have a pointless confession.

I'd like to share with you that...

One of my favourite things about men is

BELLY BUTTON LINT!

DISCLAIMER:

The opinions that are posted at hyperlexian.blogspot.com are for information purposes only. They are not scientific and are based solely on Hyperlexian Aspie's experience. Hyperlexian Aspie is not liable for any damages that may occur from any reader having

extracted eyeballs from applicable ocular orbit
inserted red-hot pokers into orbits stated above
hurled acidic substances onto the surface of said eyeballs

as a result of reading these opinions.

A Theory about Crying

2009-02-14T14:10:00.004-07:00

Thanks for all the positive, happy wishes on my last blog post - I appreciate the support a great deal.

I haven't blogged lately because this is a very hard time for me emotionally, which is explained on my sisters' blogs: Chantelle's blog and Bean's Path. I don't talk about it very much because I don't necessarily grieve like many other people and I am trying hard not to offend people too much on my blog. I actually wrote 3 posts about it and then left them in draft mode.

So anyway, on sort-of-related note, I have a theory about crying... Well, specifically about the production of tears. I am full of... theories, and... useless knowledge, hence my nickname Wickipedia (my name being Vicki). After you read my theory you may decide to change my nickname to Wackipedia!

I am sure that you have noticed that when you cry, your nose runs. This makes perfect sense, considering the proximity of the nose and mouth. Well, as a teenager who was prone to melodramatic crying jags, I noticed that it isn't just eyes and nose that run during weeping; I perceived that the ears also produce an extra quantity of fluid in the outer canal area. Really. Not ear wax - more like sweat... Or tears.

Try using a Q-Tip or poke a pinky finger in your ear after you've done some serious crying, and you'll notice what I mean. But why? The ears are not that close to the eyes and nose.

Well, if you're still listening, I'll tell you something further: I think the consistency and volume of saliva also changes when a person cries.

What I surmise is that the phenomenon of crying is not limited to the eyes and environs. Science has shown that crying causes temporary, but pervasive, autonomic nervous system changes - with alterations to heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, skin conductivity, etc. But I think that crying also affects the mucous membranes as part of this effect.

We seem to primarily perceive weeping as occurring in the eye region because we are so sight-dependent for life's experiences, and because the eyes spill over so copiously compared to other orifices, but really the whole body changes. I don't know if this phenomenon is similar to, or related to, other ANS reactions such as the fight-or-flight response, but I think it is an interesting topic worthy of consideration.

Just a science thought from Wickipedia.

How Do You Spell Relief? J... O... B...

2009-02-07T18:23:00.003-07:00

Yep, I really did get a call at 6:10 p.m. on a Saturday, informing me that I'd be starting at my Call Centre job on February 25. Yayyyyyyy! I can finally relax, and breathe a big sigh of relief.

So I don't have to go work at a grocery store, or a convenience store, or someplace else - I can just prepare for my new job and sew myself some new clothes until the 25th.

I think I'll probably keep listing stuff in our Ebay and Etsy stores for now, because it has been bringing in some much-needed interim cash, and it has helped to clear some space in my storage. It has been good for me to clean stuff out.

I really want to say thank you to all of the people who bought stuff from me - I really really really appreciate your support. And your good wishes were more than I could have asked for. You all really helped me get through a tough time.

Punctuation Marks

2009-02-01T21:00:00.001-07:00

I did this cute little quiz that compares a person's personality to a punctuation mark. It ended up complimentary for me, I think... Anyway it's definitely an Aspie punctuation mark!

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven.

You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue.

You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched.

You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions.

Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice.

(But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!)

You excel in: Leadership positions

You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Destashing

2009-01-30T01:25:00.006-07:00

It's cleanup time in my fabric and jewelry supply storage... Did I mention I was unceremoniously kicked off of Employment Insurance? And my new job was supposed to start next week, but it has been postponed for at least another week... or more... So, I've had a few weeks of zero income, which has inspired me to sell off some stuff I've been squirreling away.

Not to worry about my finances, though - just in the nick of time, I got a letter from the Alberta Teachers' Association Retirement Fund informing me that, since I am no longer employed as a teacher (sigh), I can cash out my retirement savings. Of course, I only taught in public school for one year, so it's not a whole lot of money, but it's helping tide me over for this difficult period.

I've also been listing books in my husband's Ebay store, which had mostly gone dormant since he started working as a salesman. We have a ridiculous amount of antique clipart on hand, so I've also been scanning them and offering them as digital files in my husband's store on Etsy. No buyers on that yet; I think people prefer to purchase original pieces, but it's worth a try as I see other sellers are successful with this.

If you are interested in checking out any of the stuff we have for sale, here are the links:

Fabric, Vintage Scarves, Jewelry Supplies: PrinsenPhotography
Antique/Vintage Clipart: massmarketbooks
Rare & Out-of-Print Books, Manuals: Boreal Books

I may have to get an interim job until I start at the call centre, but for the time I'm avoiding that prospect.

step, ouch... step, ouch...

2009-01-13T13:34:00.003-07:00

As of September I have been getting a bunch of pain in my left hip and lower back, especially at night and when I walk.

I thought maybe I had bursitis in the hip from the hard chair (a.k.a. weaver's bottom). Our computer chair broke, so I spent a month or two sitting hard wooden chair until we got a new one. I had been treating it with ibuprofen and occasionally applying ice, but I was concerned because I have a very sensitive stomach. I had created an ulcer in the past when I took ibuprofen for tendiniti s on a daily basis.

I went to the doctor, who ordered X-rays to see if I have arthritis. The results were normal, so I asked the Dr. what could else could be causing the pain. His answer? "Arthritis." Huh. Uh, okay.

Arthritis makes the most sense anyway, as a few of my knuckles started to ache while becoming slightly broader and lumpy-looking. My skin has also turned red on top of the knuckles. And in the last few weeks, one of my knees has started to hurt as well. So it seems plausible that I'd have some kind of arthritis, as it is more likely to occur simultaneously in several locations than bursitis.

I asked the Dr. if it is okay for me to take the ibuprofen on a daily basis, and he thought it would not be a great idea, considering my stomach. So I started to alternate ibuprofen and acetaminophen, which seems to be working to a limited degree.

I kinda didn't expect to get arthritis at 36 years old.

Busy Signal

2009-01-07T16:09:00.005-07:00

In a peculiar twist of fate, I needed to phone my future employer today... as a client.

My Employment Insurance benefits were discontinued prior to the date I calculated, so I needed to find out why. I called the Service Canad a number to get some information. Callers are automatically routed to their local EI/CPP call centre, so I'd be talking to a future coworker when I phone.

How did it go? Well, I got 2 hours of this message: "At the moment our call volume is high. We are unable to transfer your call. Please try again later."

I guess this is why they are doing a hiring blitz...

Effexor Withdrawal

2009-01-04T13:06:00.006-07:00

Back in May, when I found out my teaching contract would not be renewed (in spite of being told I was "an amazing teacher" doing "incredible work with my students"), I had a bit of a breakdown.

I couldn't write about it at the time, as I was quite devastated. Also, I didn't want to lapse into unprofessionalism and publicly deride my former employer. Because I am an Aspie and consequently a WYSIWYG person (what-you-see-is-what-you-get), I found it too difficult to censor myself on my blog, so I simply avoided talking about it at all.

Well, I still don't think I should talk about the job specifics, but I can and will communicate about my pharmacological solutions.

First off, I should tell you a bit of background regarding the medications I take, as well as the disorders being treated. I have dysthymic depression + major depression (episodes) + generalized anxiety disorder.

Over the last 16 years, I have taken Luvox, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil, and Effexor. I took Effexor for the longest of these meds - about 12 years. Over the years, Effexor stopped being as effective for me, so I was on an ever-increasing dose.

In May I was taking the highest dose of Effexor supplemented with Wellbutrin, low-dose Elavil (for headaches), and Buspirone plus Remeron for anxiety.

Basically, I was quite medicated at that time. And I was becoming more agitated, more anxious, and more prone to feelings of rage. I believe my rage was understandable, considering the circumstances, but I still had to go to work and teach every day... I became less and less able to control my emotions.

I decided that my meds were exacerbating my moods and making me unstable, so I ultimately weaned myself off of almost everything... Except the lowest dose of Effexor.

I found out firsthand that Effexor can cause terrible withdrawal, where a person can get brutal side effects if they try to stop. I did experience this to a minor degree over the years, for instance if my prescription ran out before I got a new one filled. Note that SNRI and SSRI medication has been known to cause discontinuation syndrome, but a large portion of information about this syndrome is currently anecdotal.

But last May I was knocked down with the following symptoms a couple of days following my last dose, even though I slowly decreased my Effexor over a period of several weeks:

muscle aches and pains
101 degree fever
severe headaches interspersed with migraines
insomnia
restless legs (actually, whole-body restlessness)
nausea
stomach pain
cramping and diarrhoea
dizziness
jumpiness
euphoria, alternating with extreme panic and paranoia
"brain zaps", aka "brain shivers", aka "brain shocks" - these were the absolute worst symptom. Brain zaps feel like jolts of electricity through my brain every time I moved my eyes. Brain zaps plagued me during the day and even at night, as I was falling asleep (they'd wake me up). Each zap lasts only a couple of seconds, but it leaves you disoriented and unbalanced for a few seconds or minutes afterward.

"Wait a second, Hyperlexian! Most of those symptoms sound like the flu or another virus! How do you know they can be attributed to Effexor withdrawal?" <--imaginary argumentative reader. Well, obviously I went back onto the lowest dose of Effexor, and all of my symptoms miraculously vanished within approximately 12 hours.

Looking back, I'd say that the benefits taking Effexor over the years has definitely outweighed the risks; it has kept me relatively happy and sane and "normal". But I'll be visiting my doctor soon to see if I can find ways to get completely off of Effexor. I read somewhere that a patient can switch to Paxil, which purportedly has fewer withdrawal problems, so maybe I'll try that.

Soon-To-Be-Employed

2008-12-28T12:58:00.005-07:00

Ooooooh I've been waiting for that special moment... and sure enough, they finally popped the question! I have been informed that I will receive an engagement letter in early January officially inviting me to work for the Canadian Public Service Commission in a Service Canada call centre.

After all they put me through, it's about time: the tests, the interview, more tests... after 2 months I really worried that they'd never ask!

I have so much to prepare for, so much to get ready... after all, they've already suggested a date: February 9 will be the big day! Thank goodness they are taking care of all of the planning - all I need to worry about is what to wear, how to do my hair, and how to get there on that important day.

I sure hope they love me... it's mostly been arranged by a recruiter so they hardly know me at all. I'm so nervous!

Thanks, Doc.

2008-12-24T11:51:00.007-07:00

I was standing at a bus stop with my 14-year-old daughter the other day. My stomach had been hurting intermittently for the day prior, and it started to ache again as we waited at the bus stop.

Me: Geez, my stomach is killing me again!

Kid: It's stress.

Me: Huh? What do you mean? How do you know?

Kid: If it were anything else it wouldn't just hurt off and on. It would hurt all of the time.

Me: Uh, okay...

Kid: Plus, you don't have anything else wrong with you. No other symptoms. So it has to be stress.

She's right, of course. I kinda forgot to notice my tummyache after that. Smartass kid! She plans to become a shrink someday...

Aspie Moment #2

2008-12-22T00:53:00.004-07:00

I thought I'd share another one of my Aspie Moments.

<<< An aside to my 10 (!) regular readers:

'Aspie Moments' are not really a true category of behaviour as defined by the greater world (such as the ever-popular 'Senior Moments'), but are rather my own:

moments of extreme embarrassment, silliness, discomfort, anger, or other assorted craziness

that are precipitated by my Asperger Syndrome. Of course, these 'moments' could happen to anyone - even NT (neurotypical) people, but since this is my blog I have decided what the phrase defines in this context. Aspie Moments happen because of, or are exacerbated by, the social clumsiness inherent in my Asperger Syndrome.

end of aside>>>

Back to my Aspie Moment:

We recently had a visit from a plumber along with my landlord.

Our main bathroom sink has been draining slowly since we moved in. My husband used One Second Plumber on it, and I (yes, it was me) spent some serious time and elbow grease plunging it on three separate occasions. It would drain okay for awhile, then clog up again.

We had informed the landlord right away when we noticed it, but we wanted to try simple remedies first. The landlord let us know that the plumber would help evaluate whose fault the clog was, and the plumbing cost would be subsequently billed to either us or to the prior tenants.

So, I was having a great conversation with my landlord (he just came back from vacations in Turkey and the Antarctic) while the plumber took apart the trap under the sink.

After a few minutes, the plumber pulls out a blob of hair and puts it on the edge of the sink for us to see.

Me: "Gee that looks like MY hair!"

Perhaps it wouldn't be such an inappropriate thing to say, except that I had just admitted fault and would obviously now be responsible for the plumber's fees. Very, very stupid thing to say. But I can't help but be honest - I am not good at deception, nor do I see the point in being deceptive. It's also a peculiar trait of Aspies.

Landlord: "Ummm, errr..."

Plumber: "Well, actually, it's hard to tell who it belongs to, really."

Later on, after an awkward silence:

Landlord: "So, what could help the situation for next time so it doesn't plug?"

Me (attempting humour): "I could cut my hair..."

More awkward silence.

Plumber : "Really, these types of drains are real hair-traps. You'd need to change the style of sink."

I really should've given the plumber cookies... He was totally defending me! But anyway it turned out okay. The landlord told me that he had decided to pay for the plumber himself. What a nice Christmas surprise!

See my Aspie Moment #1 here.

Uber Amazing Blog Awards... from me

2008-12-17T12:54:00.004-07:00

I think I finally have the energy/wherewithal to give out the Uber Amazing Blog Awards to 5 other bloggers, which I mentioned a while back. I received the award from Lenox Knits, and so I must now pass the torch.

Here are my 5 picks, in no particular order:

Japanese Snack Reviews - I am utterly fascinated by Japanese snack foods, and this fabulous blog demystifies some interesting tidbits. I would love to try these goodies!
Everyday Enchantment - This blogger lives in the same province as me, but in a rural paradise. She is an animal lover and rescues wildlife.
it's a dog's life - Over here are the most adorable dogs I've ever seen - all adopted as rescues by the blogger. I love reading about her family!
Leigh's Fiber Journal - This blogger thoughtfully shares her techniques, research and patterns to her readers. Her knowledge is quite vast.
Padiham Knitter - This blog is an unselfconscious portrait of a small town in the UK through the eyes of a talented knitter. My grandfather lived in Padiham before coming to Canada as an adult, and sometimes I yearn for connectedness to his history, so I read her blog voraciously.

Congratulations bloggers, on creating some cool blogs and maintaining my (short) attention!

Please note that I didn't pick the same blog that selected me - that would create a weird, ouroboros-style irregularity that would probably cause the entire interwebs to come to a screeching halt.

I also didn't pick my family's blogs, because I have 6 blogging relatives, which means I would have to choose between people I love - too weird! Instead, I will give them a shameless plug on another day.

Aspie Comforts and Habits

2008-12-10T11:34:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I made up a list of sensory irritations that I experience as an Aspie. For part 2, today I have created a list of positive sensory experiences and habits that provide comfort. Once again, some of these things may be common to non-Aspies, but some may be weirder than average, I think. So here's what I like:

The smell of soil, which I blogged about before, twice
I have to have something in my coat pocket, and once I have grown accustomed to a certain object I don't like to change it. I have had the same rock in one pocket for 2 years.
If I'm feeling stressed I often tuck my thumbs into my fists. My husband and daughter find this hilarious.
When I'm sleeping, I like very heavy coverings. As a teenager I used to sleep under 3 quilts, as much for the comfort as for the warmth. If I sleep as a car passenger, I tuck my arms under the seatbelt so I feel more confined.
Soft fuzzy things like pussywillows and pompoms (so who doesn't, right?). But what I like best of all is to squeeze one between my lips, and I'll keep it there for several minutes at a time - even an hour... Don't even ask me about belly-button lint!

I'm giving my 9 regular readers a little break right here. My list gets weirder from here onward:

Like many people, I usually have a song stuck in my head. But do other people twitch their fingers/toes or grind their teeth in time to the beat when they are thinking or trying to sleep? Probably not.
I find comfort in the smells of my knees and the backs of my hands. I have to force myself to wash the backs of my hands because I don't want to wash the smell away. Thank goodness it isn't just my knees, because that would be awkward to explain in public.
A sparkly, shiny, brightly coloured object will draw my stare, which can be socially awkward if a person is wearing it.

Well, I hope my list helps you to understand an Aspie a bit more.

Aspie Senses

2008-12-09T14:47:00.005-07:00

As an Aspie, there are many things I find physically irritating, or even downright intolerable. Most Aspies and Auties have certain things that 'set them off', or cause some measure of agitated distraction until the offending irritation is removed. Here is a fun list of (some of) the things I can't handle, some of which are common to many NTs (normals), others of which are less so:

Clothing tags. If I forget to remove a tag before I put the clothes on, I will engage in inventive yoga positions to remove the scratchy scrap whilst still wearing the garment. It has to come off NOW.
The sound of running water while I am talking. My voice just stops - I can't concentrate.
The smell of wet mustard, for instance on a dish in the sink. Please don't combine this with the item above or I may curl up in a ball in the cupboard under the sink next to the SOS pads and plastic grocery bags. It'd be funny, but kinda mean.
The taste of asparagus, green beans, cauliflower, fresh spinach... Ever seen a grown woman gagging on veggies? The good news is that age brings a decline in the number of taste buds, meaning that I can now eat broccoli (heavily cooked and mixed with other flavours only)
My hair touching my face when I am in bed. Any. Single. Hair.
The sight of certain kinds of holes. This is hard to explain - it's almost a phobia. The sight of curled edges along a hole makes me feel nauseous and panicky. Sometimes rusty metal or ragged knitwear have these kinds of holes.
Wool - that's any wool content, at all, in a garment or accessory. Sometime's it's okay if I put an extra layer on underneath, but my sensitivity has gotten worse over the years. In my youth I even had a heavy wool sweater I wore, but I couldn't wear it now.
Socks seams that scratch the top of my toes or rub on the sides of my feet when I have shoes on. I have to take my shoes off and fix the offending sock right away, wherever I am located (on the bus, in the aisle at a grocery store, at the front of my classroom. Oh yes, really)

On the flip side, there are a bunch of things that provide extreme comfort. But I'll save those for another day.