more anxiety

you might remember that i mentioned my hair is falling out... well, all of my attempts at reducing stressors and becoming calmer have so far come to naught, pretty much. meditation, therapy, moving to my own room in the house to have my own space, exercise, massages***, eating properly, sleeping more... the results do not reflect the effort that has gone into overhauling my existence.

in the end... my hair is still falling out. on my head it has slowed down somewhat, but i do not have new hairs growing where the old ones fell out in spite of the Rogaine/minoxidil that a dermatologist prescribed. my head hair was very thick though, so it will still be a while before it is obvious to the naked eye from a distance.

but... on the rest of my body, i could see a reduction in my arm and leg hair from day to day over the last couple of weeks. this scared me shitless because it seems inevitable that my eyebrows and eyelashes will likely follow. not much i can do about it i guess, so i am trying to prevent further panic as it could exacerbate the issue.

i have had some difficulty getting an appropriate sleep medicine. i tried ativan (too addictive but i want to go back to it), zopiclone (caused depression), melatonin (allergic reaction), clonazepam (addictive), and valerian root (caused extreme depression). but at this point i don't know if extra sleep can even help.

i am attending a series of anxiety workshops, but it will take time to know if they are helping. i also have another new therapist who has worked with many people who have asperger's syndrome. so these things may eventually have some benefit.

it did occur to me one day that anxiety is essentially self-centred; it all happens within the confines of one's own head. i considered... what if i could flip outside my own head and get into someone else's? so i devised a technique where i force myself to imagine what other people are thinking. no matter what pops into my head, whether logical or sensible, i just let it flow. it turns out... while i am doing this and for a few minutes afterward, my anxiety evaporates. my shoulders relax, my mind clears, i feel less jittery and agitated. it does not last long and i cannot summon up the technique without an actual person in my eyeline, but.... it does work.

i believe this works for me because it is such an effort to understand things from anyone else's perspective that it is not second nature and requires significant mental resources. when those resources are tied up i just can't worry or get agitated (consciously or subconsciously) about my own problems. it's just trickery but the trickery is sort of effective. i hope that with time i will be able to better use this technique to actually undertsand other people better, but we'll see.

***NOTE: the massage therapist asked what i have DONE to myself to have such tension in my body. she thought i must have suffered some sort of major injury! i have muscular pain and feel bruised for about 3 days after each massage.