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My mom died on Thursday. She overdosed on a variety of medicines. I will not discuss her mental issues that preceded and precipitated the suicide, as my sisters have provided some excellent background already:
Chantelle's Blog
Bean's Path
Instead, what I would like to do is discuss my own feelings and emotions. This post is difficult to write. I have addressed my comments to my deceased mother.
Mom.
I am anguished that I did not matter enough to keep you alive.
I am angry that my best intentions were misunderstood and misconstrued.
I am uneasy that everything you believed about me might be true.
I am mad that you pushed me away in the past.
I am disappointed that I was not strong enough to support you.
I am confused by your mixed messages.
I am disquieted by the knowledge that I should have done more, but I was not capable.
I am unbalanced by the evidence you actually did care.
I am sad because I miss you.
I am frustrated that the mental health system could not save you.
I am devastated that you died alone.
I am enraged that you blamed us in your note.
I am numb by the repeated attempts.
I am disheartened that you thought I didn't care.
I am upset that I could not help you.
I am relieved that you cannot be lonely anymore.
Podcast #66: The Professional Shrink Rap
8 hours ago
8 comments:
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
I have considerable experience with people who have mental health problems, and one thing I have learned is that those who really want to kill themselves eventually will and there is little anyone can do to stop it. It isn't about anyone's value or a failure on anyone's part to save the person with the illness. It's the disease. It can be wrestled down and held at bay, but it can't be held back forever or every moment. Your mother "blaming" you was certainly the disease as well.
In time, I hope your pain will lesson.
I am very sorry to read this as I can see that no matter what others say it will disturb your thoughts for a long while, perhaps forever.
Do not blame yourself. It's certainly the illness talking.
If you can, try to find some happy memories of your mother and remember her that way.
So, so sorry for your loss.
I read this and your sisters blogs and I don't think any of you could have ever done anything to stop this. All you can do is try to heal a little at the time. It could very well take a long time....
I am so very sorry for your loss, and all of the pain that goes with it.
I was just passing through (saw you post on Andrew's blog) and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Sometimes I think a person is in so much pain that living is unbearable. However, you are not to blame - it was her choice.
I too have high-functioning Asperger's although I don't have an official diagnosis the more I read the more I know it to be true - especially with my childhood and teen years.
May good memories comfort you.
thanks everyone, i really appreciate the warm wishes. i have been attending some therapy and it really helped to get my feelings out in the open.
(impromptu blogger you might want to check out Wrong Planet if you haven't done so already)
My condolences. Always here if you need to talk xx
thank you Emma. i appreciate that.
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