Good News, Healthwise

As I mentioned once before, I have been working at losing weight over the last year. Well, sort of. Mostly, I'm working at not being fat anymore (important distinction, at least to me).

My current BMI/body mass index is 34.7, down from 45 or 46. I didn't really weigh myself at the start of this process, but I know I was at least that size. Initially I was losing about 1 kg/2 lbs per week, but it has slowed down to about half that, which is still fine - too fast would not be healthy.

The emotional issues I have worked through are pretty boring to read about, so I won't dredge them up on my blog, but I thought I would share my biggest, most successful on-the-spot food resistance strategy. Resisting the temptation to overeat is tough, because obviously food is necessary for survival, but also because overeating seems to happen unconsciously. I've had to learn to override my unconscious eating.

I had an epiphany one day when I realized that existence largely seems to occur as a series of memories. Although we technically live in the present moment, that moment itself is fleeting and itself becomes part of a constant stream of memories. Memories are by definition past tense, and we filter the 'now' through the veil of those recollections.

In terms of food, a person knows how a given food tastes because they have a stored memory of the flavour. Therefore, when a person craves a food item, they are craving an experience to match a memory.

When a individual eats that certain food again, they are comparing the present flavour and texture to the memory. This new experience is fleeting, and quickly passes... back into memory.

What I'm trying to express is the idea that food cravings are largely based upon an already-existent memory. If a person eats the food now, the actual taste lasts for only a short period of time, and eating the food again doesn't add anything new or valuable to that recollection. Yes, it tastes good, but the person is aware of that because the food has been eaten before.

So, this helps me to put cravings in perspective. I remind myself that in 5 minutes, the food will just be a memory again, so why bother? Better just to keep it as a pleasant memory and feel proud of resisting it, instead of adding guilt to the experience.

Sometimes I still eat what I am craving, but I have a secondary strategy for that situation. Eating a large quantity of a food item does not improve the current taste experience, nor does it improve the future flavour memory. So I just eat a bit.

It also helps that I've been getting regular exercise. I walk about 5 km, three or more times a week. As an added bonus, this has completely eliminated the pain in my hips and back (was diagnised as arthritis) as well as a 10-year problem of tendinitis in my feet. Hopefully these results will last.

As a side note, and just because I can never be 100% satisfied with anything, I have to note that I still have the same degree of high blood pressure that I had at the start of my journey - 63lbs ago. Exercise and weight loss can't always trump hereditary conditions...

Dynamic Weather and Gratitude Journal III

Today, we had a tornado watch in my city. Not quite a warning, but a watch, and a funnel cloud was spotted to the Northwest of us. So I watched and watched through the windows behind me. I work on the 7th floor of a building on the edge of downtown so there is a good view of the sky...

But we didn't get the tornado. However the clouds did throw down some hail. I love hail!


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Gratitude Journal

Today, I am grateful for hail. Hail indicates peculiar, dynamic weather, which I adore for the excitement and uncertainty it brings. Really, hail is summertime ice...

Music Software

A few weeks ago, just after one of my lowest lows, when I was beginning an upswing but needed a boost... I bought myself a music keyboard.

I'm one of those people that actually thinks in song lyrics, and music has always been fixed in the core of my being. Luckily, I am also an Aspie, which in my case means I happen to have extremely good pitch (to hear/play, not to sing) and very accurate rhythm.

So how come I didn't take up music before? I'm not sure, except that it costs money and I was fearful my songs would be terrible. I also figured it's something for youthful people to embark on, and at 37 I am officially in the clutches of middle age.

Well, so far my music IS terrible, but I am only starting out, so I am not letting it discourage me! I have been creating electronica, and have cut three full-length tunes to date. No singing though. Even if I could sing, I don't have a decent microphone.

Creating the songs can almost be an out-of-boy experience at times. When I am laying down a track, and hearing the progress through the speakers, I feel like I am really part of the music, with the sound flowing through my body. My whole self feels like it is vibrating or oscillating at the same frequency as the sound.

Anyways, I need some advice from anyone who knows something about music software. Along with the keyboard I got a free trial of Ableton, and my time is nearly used up. A full registration costs $700 US.... Seriously. Being broke, I am looking for less-costly alternatives.

In the past I also tried GarageBand on someone's Mac, and I am vaguely familiar with Cakewalk. Anyone out there have any advice?

Happiness?

Husband and I were talking about happiness the other day. I got to thinking about what happiness really is.

I used to strive to be happy, but over the years my attitude shifted. I don't see happiness as a real goal anymore. Not to say that I don't think I'll ever feel glad, or satisfied, or contented... But happiness as a goal seems less realistic now. I don't really see anyone as truly happy, I suppose.

Like, people are constantly working towards the next big purchase, or their next big career move, or their next love, or towards something else that is supposed to bring that elusive happiness. But all that those things seem to offer is more discontentment.

When I start feeling like I am not satisfied with my current state of affairs, I remind myself that external things can't create happiness. But that generates a subsequent problem whereby I realize that nothing can really create happiness inside of me...

And out of some peculiar, twisted logic, my brain has somehow decided that happiness doesn't actually exist. It is bolstered by the fact that I don't really see happiness in other people either.

Husband has expressed the opinion that my thinking is either highly evolved... or highly depressed. He may be right with the second idea.

Fallen, Arisen

I guess it's finally time to talk about my recent problems. Can't really keep avoiding it, and I have fund that blogging is generally pretty cathartic, so it may actually help me.

I'm sure that if you have met me, or have read this blog at all, you would know that I have been on an assortment of anti-depressants such as Effexor for anxiety and major depression.

Well, I recently tried a bunch of different ones but I couldn't handle the side effects. I knew I probably needed to take something, but I was enjoying that my life was mostly med-free. Colours looked brighter, I was more energetic, my chronic headaches had ceased, and other things improved as well.

But then things got bad. Life's small difficulties became difficult to handle, not to mention my troubles when bigger problems actually surfaced.

So I finally broke down about 3 weeks ago. I tend to use the word "cracked" to describe my mental process at the time. I started crying at work and could not stop. I became impulsive, irresponsible, anxious and extremely depressed. I also felt a strong physical need to escape - a sensation of nausea and panic.

I had to stop working for a while. I received emergency therapy from The Support Network, got a prescription for clonazepam and went for a half-day assessment at the University of Alberta Hospital's Department of Psychiatry. I was seen by two psychologists and a psychiatrist at that assessment.

It helped a lot. I am now taking Celexa, which is working... somewhat..

The hardest part was that I got a new diagnosis in addition to Asperger Syndrome. Because of my particular symptoms, and because a loved one was once diagnosed with this disorder, I was found to have Borderline Personality Disorder (her diagnosis has since changed, but my list of family mental issues, past and present, included this disorder).

The psychologist considered that I may instead have Bipolar Disorder, as the two disorders present similarly and are often mistaken for each other, but I did not express the full set of symptoms.

In order to help me with my social skills and to to learn how to develop healthy relationships with people, in a few weeks I will probably be starting group therapy called Interactions. It interferes with my work as it runs in the mornings from 11 a.m. to noon, but I was able to switch my work shift to 1 to 9 p.m. - at least temporarily - so I won't lose money. There are other group therapy options, but they are either full day programs or 4 hours/4 evenings a week.

In the meantime, at my 2 week follow-up appointment, the psychologist was shocked at how much progress I had already made. I am:

• back at work after only about a week absent
• off the tranquilizers
• engaged in creative endeavours (without being obsessed)
• taking 5 km walks to relax, several times a week
• not crying very much
• feeling calmer and less anxious

But I am asking the psychiatrist to review the meds at my next meeting as the side effects are nearly unbearable...

A Strange Dream, and Gratitude Journal II

The Dream

I am back on antidepressants as per my psychiatrist's orders, so naturally I am having peculiar dreams again. I am now talking Celexa (citralopram).

A couple of nights ago I dreamed I had to have a dental procedure done, and in preparation I needed to remove my 'skull mask'. The skull mask was the front part of my skull, which could somehow be slid out from under the skin.

It came out of my face cleanly, with no bleeding, and somehow it didn't hurt at all. I inspected it closely after I took it out. It looked exactly like the front of a skull, and included part of my bottom jaw and teeth. My eye sockets were missing the back part, and instead were just holes... like a mask.

I recall noticing and curiously poking the foramina (holes in bones through which blood vessels and nerves pass), particularly the infraorbital foramen. I had never consciously thought about these openings before, and I remember that I briefly considered their purpose in my dream. I also closely inspected a cavity that one of my teeth is actually developing.

I was worried that my face could be damaged while the skull mask was out, and I was scared to touch my face in case it felt strange. However, I looked normal in the mirror...

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Gratitude Journal

Today, I am grateful that we had some down time (a.k.a. 'green time') between calls at the call centre.

Sick. Again.

Well, remember the kidney and bladder infections I had recently? The bladder infection is back. The doctor didn't even bother to consult with me when the results came in - he just left a prescription at the counter for me to pick up.

It is Ciprofloxacin, but at a stronger dosage than I took before, and this round will be 7 days instead of the recommended 3 to 5 for bladder infections. I am concerned because renal problems can be caused by this drug, and I am already worried about my kidneys...

When I saw the doctor I tried to insist on an ultrasound of my urinary tract, but first he wanted to see if I still have an infection. And I do, sigh. So after it is cleared up I will ask again, if necessary.

Gratitude Journal I (my way)

I saw a counsellor recently who was helping me to find strategies to get through my worst days. And there are a lot of very bad days right now.

One suggestion was to create a gratitude journal. Well, I'm not going to fuss around creating a new blog or using, *gasp*, paper, so I am going to incorporate this idea into my existing blog.

I am irritated and bored by the idea of effusively expressing thankfulness for those things that I am already extremely grateful for. I have a loving family, wonderful friends, a supportive husband and fantastic daughter. I am always aware of - and thankful for - these things.

Instead, I am going to create occasional blog posts about the little things that make me happy, or those things that take me by surprise in a wonderful way.

Today, I am grateful for having a pharmacist who remembers me. He is therefore comfortable around me and will make jokes about potential causes and cures for my illnesses. This makes me feel less anonymous, and I am grateful.

Sick, sicker... but not the sickest I could be

I've been sick. About 2 months ago I got a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) in my bladder ad received a prescription for antibiotics. Well, the bacteria were resistant to the attack and they regrouped for an attack on my kidneys about a month ago. Not cool.

I ended up with a severe kidney infection for about 3 weeks and missed 10 days of work. I was out of sick days and would try to go into work for a day and would naturally end up sicker by the end of the day... if I managed to work until the end of the day.

I had a fever, nausea, extreme weakness, fatigue and chills. The doctor didn't know what it was and he figured a virus, but he sent me for blood and urine tests anyways. I pretty much insisted on the tests because I don't get feverish with viruses very often.

Well, apparently I had a shocking amount of white blood cells in my urine. What was strange was that I had no urinary tract symptoms, with the exception of delayed urination (not sure the technical word. Urination takes a long time to commence). The doctor gave me different antibiotics. After a few days I was retested, which showed my white blood cell count went extremely low. Thankfully the antibiotics seemed to work so he didn't have had to hospitalize me.

I was still sick with all of the symptoms and still had a slight fever after a few days. The doctor figured that the kidney infection may have been a red herring, in a sense, and that a virus was causing most of my symptoms. That may be the case.

Interestingly, my symptoms are now all gone except for the delayed urination. I may request an ultrasound of the whole urinary tract to make sure nothing got damaged.

Hypolexian

I'd like to write something witty or insightful or even... slightly interesting... but lately I am hypolexian... Too tired from work...